Kinship
by Dyce
Summary: Jayne gets more attached to River, Simon and Inara become friends, and Mal is most unhappy. This is a sequel to 'Two Gorram Days',covering the time between 'Objects in Space' and 'Serenity: Those Left Behind'. PreRayne. 2nd in the Horseshoe Nail series.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: None of the characters, ships, guns, or other oddments named in the following belong to me. They belong to Joss. Joss is boss. All hail to Joss. I am just playing with them because they're fun.

* * *

**Kinship **

**By Dyce**

Chapter One

* * *

"Another half-percent ain't ruttin' worth it."

Jayne rarely thought that there was anything wasn't worth doing for money. Coin was what made the worlds go 'round. But this was just ridiculous.

"River! You git down here right the hell now!"

The girl was standing on one foot on the wobbly railing of the walkway, gazing with apparent interest at the ceiling. "Why?"

"Because if you fall down you'll make a mess, an' I already had to scrub blood off this floor this week."

"I won't fall." She rose on her toes, one hand looped loosely around a strut. "I'm almost flying."

"Almost ain't flyin', now get down here." Why had he agreed to mind the crazy girl? Why? Sure, she was cute at times, when she was talking straight and wearing his hats, but cute wasn't a big interest of Jayne's and she was deeply creepifying most of the time.

Only less now than before. He wasn't sure if she was getting less weird or if he was just getting used to her.

"All right." She grinned down at him, a wicked look suddenly crossing her face. "I will come down there. But if you don't catch me there might be a mess."

Jayne spat out a curse and lunged across the hold as she dropped, landing as lightly in his arms as a kitten. He glared at her as she laughed delightedly. "That ain't what I meant and you know it!" He dropped her - or tried to. Somehow instead of landing on her butt on the floor she wound up swinging from his arm and dropping lightly onto her feet. "Crazy brat."

"Pbt." She stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry at him. "You should say what you mean."

She was more coherent today, which was good. On the other hand, she tended to be a brat when she was coherent. Cute when she aimed it at the doc or the captain, considerably less so when it was Jayne getting smacked with the bratty stick. "I do say what I mean. Ain't my fault you got no sense."

"Sense is not common." River rolled her eyes. "Especially on this boat."

Jayne snickered. Bratty River could be kinda funny, he had to admit that. "That's for gorram sure. What the hell am I gonna do with you today?"

Doc was still pissed as all hell that Jayne had been right about keeping River busy instead of babying her and filling her up with drugs. If she was distracted from her memories instead of sitting down brooding on 'em, she calmed down mightily. Wash had taken to the idea right off, spending hours telling her stories about flight school and teaching her to pilot Serenity. Kaylee was just as keen, and should anything happen to her she was now reasonably confident that River could keep Serenity flying until they could make landfall. Zoe would have no part of it, insisting that she didn't have anything to teach the girl was fit for a child to know, and Mal cravenly used the same excuse. How they thought that made it okay to dump the girl on Jayne, who was meaner and less kid-friendly than either of them, he could never work out. He suspected 'because we can' was the main thrust of it. Inara was busy packing and being mad at Mal. Preacher helped when he could, but River had taken a powerful dislike to his hair and would fuss endlessly about it waiting to leap out at her if she was in the wrong mood.

For some reason, probably just to piss him off, she was _never_ in the wrong mood to spend time with Jayne. Even when she was shouting at Kaylee and babbling gory nonsense at Wash, she'd go along meek as a lamb when the captain told her to go with Jayne.

"Because you think straight," she said, breaking into his grumpy musings. "You make the world simple." She smiled sunnily up at him, wrapping her little hands around his arm. "Life and death. Cause and effect. Profit and loss. Linear causality."

Jayne grunted. Flattery was gonna get her nowhere. "You sure you won't let the shepherd tell you a story or somethin'?"

Her grip on his arm tightened. "The hair waits."

"Yeah, yeah." Think of the money. Think of the money. "Hey, I know. Let's play 'I spy something I can use as a weapon'. Look around the hold, standin' right here, and tell me how many things you can see that you could use to fight with if someone busted in here."

Jayne was starting to lose hope that 'teaching River inappropriate and scary things' would get him out of this, but since he didn't have a better strategy...

River pivoted slowly. "Narrow parameters, please."

He'd learned what that meant, eventually. "Only stuff you can actually lift. Walls and floors and the mule and all don't count."

"The loose bar on the walkway can be pulled out and used as a clubbing weapon." River pointed. "The lid of the third crate from the left is small and heavy enough to act as both an impromptu shield and a clubbing weapon. The closure on the fourth crate from the left can be pried loose and used as a stabbing weapon."

She kept going for quite some time, naming everything Jayne had been able to think of and a few he hadn't, like the wobbly stair tread on the right that could be pulled out and used as a slashing weapon, being as its back edge was sharp. He refused to allow her the chains hanging from the ceiling, since while they were technically usable they would take too long to get at to be useful in an emergency situation. Even so, her tally was impressive.

Thirty seconds later, she was bored again. "The mind races in a caucus," she said, starting to sound fretful. "Emptiness becomes crowded with nothings." Which was River-talk for 'bored'.

"You gotta learn how to slow your brain down some, girl, or it's gonna just overheat and drop right out of your ears one of these days." Jayne looked around, trying to come up with some other way to keep her amused.

"Can't slow it down. Running hot all the time, like Reaver engines." She rubbed her temple, frowning. "Simon tries to slow it down with the medicines, but it doesn't always work."

"Simon thinks there's a gorram drug for anything." Hospital-trained doctors was all alike. Jayne was all in favour of pain-meds, and surgery was shiny, especially when it involved putting Jayne back together, but he didn't hold with getting stuck with needles for every damn thing from a cold to an infected cut. It made you soft. "You don't learn to cope without the medicines, someday you're gonna be stuck someplace you ain't got 'em and go nuts and kill everybody."

"Maybe." River twiddled a strand of hair around her finger. "How else can I make my brain slow?"

"Well..." This wasn't an issue Jayne had ever really had to deal with. "You get slow when Kaylee plays with your hair."

"It's nice. Repetition induces relaxation." River nodded. "But she can't do it all the time."

"And I can't feed you all the time, neither." When she wasn't on the meds that made her puke it all back up, stuffing River to the gills tended to shut her up at least temporarily. "What about working out?"

She stared at him. "Working out what?"

"Exercise. Pull-ups and weights and all. That clears out the head some."

"Repetitive motions training muscle to perform." River gnawed on her lip. "Many exercises at the Academy."

"Well, do some kind they didn't do there." Jayne shrugged. "Get yourself good and strong so you can fight when they come after you."

River looked at him for a moment, and then she smiled a big beaming smile. "I like you."

Jayne blinked. She'd never said that before.

To the best of his recollection, nobody had said that to him before.

"Why?"

"You set me on my own two feet and push me forward. No wrappings to shield me from the worlds." She cocked her head, still smiling at him. "You put the weapons in my hands and tell me to fight for myself."

Jayne had another of those moments of creeping sympathy for the girl, which had started on Ariel and gotten much stronger since he'd started looking after her regularly. From what he gathered, them at the Academy had tried to break her to harness, teach her to obey without thinking for herself. And doc and the crew meant well, but she was right - they tried to wrap her up and protect her from the 'verse like she was a baby. "You can't stay a baby forever. You wanna be self-sufficient, you gotta learn to take care of yourself. Simon won't always be around, you know." Her lip trembled at that, and he backtracked hastily. Making River cry was a fast-track to getting lectured by every single person on the damned boat. "I mean, even starched-up core doctors gotta piss sometimes. He can't watch you every second."

River giggled at that. "Urine is a universal of humanity," she said happily. "Everyone makes it. Geniuses and mercs and doctors and engineers and all."

"Weirdest ruttin' things amuse you." Jayne shrugged. "I ain't got any weights small enough for you, but if you get a couple of cans out of the galley that should do well enough."

* * *

"I'm still floored by this." Wash followed his wife into the galley, shaking his head. "Jayne baby-sitting. That's like... I don't know... Reavers crocheting. The captain reciting poetry. Inara belching."

"I'm sure she does." Zoe grinned, ambling over to the kitchen area in that hip-swinging way that brought joy to Wash's heart and loins. "Belch, I mean."

"But not out in the hold where anyone can see her. Did you know he was teaching her to do situps hanging from her knees? Simon nearly had a heart attack when he came out and found her dangling upside-down."

"I wouldn'ta believed it myself if I hadn't seen it." Zoe shook her head. "Jayne teaching someone something. The mind boggles."

"And teaching _River_. He's been trying to get rid of her since day one." Wash shook his head, sitting down at the table and reaching for the bowl of dried peaches that they'd lucked into on New Melbourne.

"Ain't heard a peep from him on that score since he got stuck with her for two days." Zoe was pouring tea for both of them, frowning a little. "Inara swears that he's gettin' attached to the child."

"That's just downright scary." Wash shook his head. "Really. I'll be having nightmares about this now. Jayne playing with tea-sets and getting along with people."

"Inara is right, I think." Book had been tucked into the little seating corner, mostly unnoticed, but now he set his bible aside and joined Zoe in the kitchen, politely offering her the can of sweet rice crackers he'd bought on their last shopping trip. Zoe took two, and Wash beamed and held out his hand for his cracker and his tea. "Still, it's hardly surprising that Jayne should know what to do with a child."

"Actually, Shepherd, it really is. Astonishing, even." Wash sipped his tea. Mm. Wife-tea. She knew just how he liked it. "We're all kerflummoxed."

"I have to agree." Zoe sat down next to Wash and stretching out her legs all lazy-like. He loved it when she did that. "Jayne, in my experience, doesn't like any two-legged-thing that walks the worlds except for Jayne."

"And whores," Wash added helpfully.

"Yes, dear. And whores. Jayne is mightily in favour of whores."

Book chuckled. "You don't know him very well, do you?"

"Can't say as I've ever cared to," Zoe said, raising an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Jayne is the oldest of nine Cobb children. Seven of those survived to adulthood, which is significantly over the average in the kind of factory town where Jayne was born." Book poured himself some green tea. "He almost never discusses his family, save for imparting that single piece of information, but I know that he sends a large portion of his earnings home to his parents, and judging by the letter he received with that hat, at least one of his siblings is an invalid."

"Damp lung," Zoe said, nodding. Wash gave her an enquiring look, and she shrugged. "Findin' Tracey put it out of my mind at the time, but the letter said someone named Mattie had damp lung. It's a regional term for tuberculosis. A lot of recruits from the industrial planets got it and had to be discharged - once you get it bad, it never really clears up."

"Wow. Hidden depths to Jayne." Wash nibbled his cracker. It was hard to imagine Jayne as part of a big family.

"Probably left home by the time he was sixteen or so. A lot of them do - oldest children of large families, I mean." Zoe swirled the tea around in her cup, frowning thoughtfully. "They usually either go into the army or ship out on a private vessel working as unskilled crew." She looked up at Book, smiling a little. "Two years and more he's been on board, and I can't say I ever asked myself where he came from. Until the first letter from his mother showed up, I wasn't even sure if he had one."

"Everyone has a mother, Zoe." Book smiled. "Anyway, my point was that as the oldest of nine, Jayne doubtless has a great deal of experience in tending troublesome little girls, whether he enjoys it or not. I suspect that he was the one who braided her hair, while they were alone, since Kaylee had to teach her how to do it for herself afterwards."

Wash's jaw dropped. "Jayne _braids_?"

"I wouldn't bring it up to his face, dear. He might just kill you out of sheer embarrassment." Zoe shook her head. "Well. You learn something new every day."

"The day that ends, you might as well lie down and die." Book nodded approvingly. "Don't worry too much over Jayne and River. She feels safe with him, and she tends to know when someone wishes her harm."

* * *

Jayne jerked awake, silent and instantly alert. He'd heard a click. There shouldn't be any clicking in his bunk in the middle of the night. Sure enough, as he glanced around under half-closed lids, light came down through his opening door and was then obscured by shadow as someone climbed down the ladder.

Someone was sneaking into his bunk. Since odds were bad that Inara had decided she had to have him right here, right now, they were good that there was another intruder on Serenity or -

"Pretending to be asleep does no good if you cannot control your breathing."

"_What the gorram hell!_" Jayne sat bolt upright, flicking on the light to be confronted with River Tam in a baggy nightshirt that hung on her like a sack. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

She twisted her fingers together, her eyes big and scared. "There are nightmares in my room," she whispered. "And I have no weapon to fight them."

"So wake up your brother or something."

"He only has words to fight with, and Simon's words are no use even to Simon."

"Ain't that the gorram truth." Jayne climbed out of bed, glad he was decent. He'd get thrown out the airlock as it was if anyone caught her down here - if anyone ever found out he'd walked around naked in front of River, only _part_ of him would get thrown out of the airlock, and it wasn't a part he cared to live without. "Look, if I give you a weapon, will you go away?"

"Yes." She shifted from foot to foot. It was funny how some times she looked far too old for her age and at others she looked like a little girl. "I want to be self-sufficient."

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Jayne dug around in the mess, pausing to flip a t-shirt over a pile of porn. He didn't have as many knives as he did guns, but they were always handy. He wavered a bit, and eventually decided on a small, slim knife that he occasionally tucked into his boot when he was feeling especially anxious about the potential danger on a job. "Here. You can keep this on _one_ condition."

"What condition?" River was watching the knife almost hungrily.

"You never, ever, _ever_ come sneakin' into my bunk again. You ain't ever allowed down here unless there's a fire or Reavers or blue hands or some other emergency that can't wait one second, you understand me?" Jayne shuddered at the thought of what Mal would do to him if he ever found out River had been in his bunk. Or worse, the Shepherd - Jayne was tolerably certain that he was going to hell, but just in case he wasn't he didn't want Book putting him in bad with God.

River thought that over and then nodded, holding out her hand. "I promise."

"Good." He dropped the knife into her hand. "Wouldn't hurt to keep that with you when you're awake, too. Someone tries to snatch you on another backwater planet, you'd save us all a lot of time if you just cut his throat and came back on your own without us having to go look for you and all."

"Much more efficient." River nodded solemnly then smiled sweetly at him. "Thank you, Jayne."

Jayne cleared his throat uncomfortably. People didn't usually thank him, especially not with little happy smiles. "Yeah, well, git. You might not need sleep but I do."

River nodded, staring up at him with those big, unsettling eyes. Then she reached up to pat his cheek with tiny, soft fingers. "Have good dreams," she whispered, and then she slipped away up the ladder, her faded pink nightshirt billowing around thin knees.

Jayne went to bed, trying to ignore the lingering memory of her little hand stroking his stubbled cheek. When he slept, he found himself dreaming of baked apples and a clamour of eager little voices, his own among them.

* * *

"River, please come out." Simon was on his knees, peering into the small triangular opening that led to one of the smuggling-holes that honeycombed Serenity. "It's safe, I promise."

"No! The lights all buzz, like bees with stings made of paper that poke at my eyes!"

"River, sweetie, it's all right." Inara was kneeling beside Simon with utter disregard for the delicate satin of her gown. "There's nobody here."

"You can't hear them because the dulcimer in your head is too loud!"

Inara looked at Simon, who sighed and shook his head. "I have no idea. She's been doing so well lately."

"I understand." Inara laid a gentle hand on his arm. "I wish there was more I could do to help."

"Thank you. That... means a lot." Inara was leaving the ship as soon as the captain could find time in their suddenly-busy schedule to get them to Worthington. She should have been packing, but she'd put everything aside to help him look for River when she ran off. Inara was always kind, and Simon didn't think it was just the Companion training. "I just wish I knew what was upsetting her."

"What're you doin' down there on the floor?" Jayne thumped down the stairs, gnawing on a pressed-fruit bar.

"River's having a hard day." Inara smiled up at Jayne, which in Simon's view was entirely unwarranted. "You don't know what could have set her off, do you?"

"No idea." Jayne squatted beside the hole and peered in. "You in there, _xiao gui_?"

"Jayne?" River's voice was less hysterical all of a sudden, and Simon thought he saw a slight movement at the back of the hole. "The lights buzz and my ears fill up with bees."

"I have no idea what she means." Simon sighed again as Jayne looked at him inquiringly. "She's been getting more and more worked up about the lights, but I don't know why."

To Simon's intense annoyance, Jayne rolled his eyes like Simon was the stupid one. "Which lights are buzzing?"

"In my room. Trying to eat me." River definitely sounded calmer.

"They ain't trying to eat you. It's just annoying is all." Jayne shrugged. "The calibration slides a little off sometimes. Kaylee'll fix it."

Inara blinked, a sign of great surprise in the usually perfectly controlled Companion. "You mean her lights actually _are_ buzzing?"

"Probably. It's too high-pitched for most to hear, but it drives me nuts." Jayne smirked at Simon, who hastily tried to wipe the startled look off his face. "She did tell you what the trouble was."

"Yes, she did." Simon hated it, _hated_ it when the ape thing gone wrong understood River better than he did. "Thank you. River, Jayne will fix the lights. It's safe to come out now."

"No!"

"River, please..." Simon rested his forehead against the cool wall. "You can't stay in there all day."

"Why not?" Jayne sat back on his heels.

"What do you mean, why not?"

"She's safe enough in there and she ain't in anyone's way. Just leave her. She'll come out when she gets bored." Jayne shrugged. "Or when nature calls."

"The universal." River sounded like she was smiling.

"The... what? Look, I can't just leave her..." Simon trailed off as Inara took his arm, tugging him gently to his feet.

"Jayne is right." Inara frowned a little as she heard herself say it, and then shook her head. "River is perfectly safe where she is. Come and have some tea with me. I'm sure River's picking up your worry, and it can't be helping. Jayne -"

"I'm gonna work out." Jayne looked put-upon. "But I'll listen for the _xiao gui_."

"I'm not a little demon."

"You are. You're a bratty, whiny, pain in the ass little demon." Jayne grinned. "And you're going to miss the fruit bars if you sit in there all day. Wash and I'll eat them all and you won't get any."

"You could bring me some," River said coaxingly.

"But I won't. Your funeral." Jayne wandered away, smirking.

Before he was halfway across the hold, River had emerged from her hiding place and scampered up the stairs, scowling ferociously. Simon stared after her, and then looked helplessly at Inara. "What..."

Inara smiled. "Never underestimate the ability of the childish to understand children," she murmured. "Come and have some tea."

By the time Inara had prepared and poured the tea, Simon did feel calmer. "Thank you for this. I know you must have a lot to do."

"Well, yes. But I still have plenty of time, and I'd rather not spend the next few days sleeping in a dismantled bedroom." Inara smiled, but it was a professional smile that didn't ease the tightness around her eyes. "I know how hard the last few months have been for you, and I'm glad to be able to help before I leave."

"It's appreciated, believe me." Simon looked around the shuttle with some interest. He'd only been in here a couple of times, and generally only in some sort of dire emergency when he didn't have time to appreciate the decor. "It's a shame you have to dismantle all this. It's very well balanced."

"Really?" Inara blinked again. "What do you mean?"

"Well, the colours. You've managed to balance the warm, stimulating colours clients will expect with cooler shades to induce serenity and peacefulness, and the proportions are very..." He trailed off. She was staring at him. "I'm sorry, perhaps that was a bit personal..."

"No, no, it's fine. I'm just... surprised. I don't think anyone's ever actually noticed the colour-balance, let alone the trouble I took to avoid letting the room seem either cramped or off-kilter." Inara smiled a little. "It wasn't easy, given the shuttle's original proportions."

"I'm sure it wasn't. I've been in the other one, and..." Simon tilted his head. "The illusion of depth you've created there is very... I mean, I know you just don't have that much room in here, but even looking right at it, it's hard to tell."

"Really?" Inara beamed. "I've always been very proud of that. It's the pleating of the draperies that really creates the illusion." She sipped her tea, looking around the shuttle. "Of course, the whole point is that it _not_ be noticed. That the space should be accepted as a haven of comfort and beauty as a whole, not a collection of disparate parts."

"You've done a wonderful job." Simon smiled a little. This conversation was going so much better than they usually did. "You've used quite a daringly varied colour palette, but it works very well... and I imagine it adds a level of flexibility costume-wise, since there's almost nothing you could wear that would clash with all of this."

"Exactly." Inara shook her head. "I have to say, I'm surprised. I would never have imagined that you would take such an interest in colour theory, let alone interior design."

Simon was sure he was blushing. "It was... making polite conversation is very important in the Core, as I'm sure you know. I was attending classes in etiquette at seven. By the time I was in my teens, I knew what I wanted to do with my life and I devoted almost all my time to medicine, but since I could not be permitted to become a single-subject bore at my parents' parties, I decided to specialize in a few select and diverse areas. River helped me create an optimal spread... which included colour theory and basic design, along with the form and crafting of the haiku, basic political awareness, and a few other pleasantly unthreatening subjects. Her reasoning was that since I was pathetically inept at maintaining a grasp of passing fashion, I should at least be able to flatter a hostess on the colour of her dress and the architecture of her home."

Inara laughed, shaking her head. "River was absolutely right - a man who can converse intelligently on the beauty of her home and the more flattering interpretation of her chosen gown's colour is always a welcome addition to a woman's guest-list."

"Even if, as it turns out, a course in basic spaceship mechanics and perhaps some light target practice with an assault weapon would have been of more practical use." Simon sighed. "I might even have been able to get away with the spaceship mechanics, as long as I kept my knowledge purely theoretical. As a suitably masculine interest, you know, to balance out the haiku."

"There's no way you could have forseen any of this, Simon." Inara reached out to lay a soothing hand on his wrist.

"I know that. It's just... it's frustrating. I have all this knowledge that I've spent a lifetime acquiring, and the vast majority of it is now completely useless. I'll probably never have to write another thank-you note, converse at another dinner-party or attend another performance of _Aida_." Simon set his teacup down, spreading his hands helplessly. "And I have no more idea of how to function out here than a child. I can't even hold a conversation without either insulting someone or making myself sound like a complete ass."

"You're doing quite well now, at least so far." She smiled sympathetically at him.

"That doesn't count. You were raised in the Core yourself. You... it's a completely different society, out here. You were trained to deal with people from vastly different social and cultural backgrounds. No one ever thought I would need to... or care whether I gave offense if I did."

Inara tilted her head. "You know something about Companion training as well. You're full of surprises this afternoon."

"I took some optional classes in psychology and a course on alternative treatments like acupuncture and reflexology. River thought I was giving too much time to the workings of the body as a machine and not as the residence of an actual person." He smiled, remembering the piping little voice lecturing him. "I happened to share them with several Companions-in-training. Since the MedAcad was so prestigious, the Companion House on Osiris didn't bother maintaining a separate training facility for those subjects."

"I'd heard about that. My own House disapproved of the notion on the grounds that introducing the girls into uncontrolled social situations too early might be harmful to their training."

"They were the only ones there even close to my age," Simon admitted, feeling as if he was boasting somehow. "I was nineteen at the time... I think the oldest of the girls was sixteen. All the others were... older."

"So naturally you drifted together."

"I was... well, I had a reputation for being much more interested in my studies than... dating." Simon knew he was blushing now. "They were always supervised, of course, but since I was polite and never made any advances, my presence was tolerated by the chaperones, especially since I could usually explain more of the theory behind the lectures than they could."

Inara nodded. "I imagine that was fascinating for them... most girls are rarely permitted even supervised conversation with young men at that stage. There are concerns about... inappropriate attachments, you understand."

Simon blushed harder. "Mostly I only talked about the subjects at hand... or River. Nobody else was particularly interested in the charming activities of my baby sister. But they had sisters too, within the House, so... it was an innocuous topic of conversation."

"I imagine so." Inara nodded. "And you didn't form any... inappropriate attachments, I take it?"

"Me? No, absolutely not." The thought hadn't even occurred to him. Even at fifteen and sixteen, the Companions-in-training had been so poised and polished as to be rather unnerving. He'd liked them well enough, had even exchanged a few books with a girl named Alise, but almost all his attention had been focused on his studies. A hopeless passion would have been silly.

"Most young men do, you know." Inara smiled. "Especially the first time they converse with a Companion."

"I've never really understood why." Simon bit his tongue. Damnit, damnit, why couldn't he have a simple conversation without saying something stupid. "I mean, I do see the appeal... you, for example, are genuinely kind-hearted as well as being beautiful, intelligent, and very accomplished. I just don't..." He sighed. "I have enough trouble working out what's going on in the head of an ordinary girl. I'd be pitifully, hopelessly lost with a Companion trained to charm and equivocate. I'd never know how she really felt about anything... or about me, for that matter."

"And that would be important to you?" Inara raised her eyebrows.

"Of course. I'm not... good with girls. Or people in general. If I were to get involved with someone, I'd want to have at least a hope of working out if something upset her, or if she was interested in something I happened not to know much about." Simon picked up his teacup again, trying to think of something that didn't actually describe Kaylee too obviously. "Someone who'll call me a dummy when I'm being one. Someone I can be... open with. If I ever work out how to be open."

"That's very perceptive, Simon." Inara sounded approving, so maybe he hadn't offended her _too_ much. "Honesty in a relationship is very important, although it tends to be under-appreciated. You'd rather have someone who'll argue with you and have interests that don't include you than a flawless, charming Companion playing a part for you."

"Exactly." Simon smiled a bit wistfully. "Not that... well, I have to take care of River now, so it's not really... feasible. We're a package deal, at the moment, and how could I ask someone else to take on my crazy sister as well as my completely socially inept self?"

"It would depend a lot on who you asked." Inara smiled. "The right sort of woman might think your devotion to your sister was a selling point, not a flaw."

"Well... maybe." Simon fiddled with his cup. Inara and Kaylee were close. Maybe he could ask... no. Best not. "I really should concentrate on River for now, anyway."

"For now." Inara nodded. "You know, this does answer a question I've had for some time now, but couldn't bring up in conversation without being rather rude."

"Oh?" Relieved to get the conversation off the topic of Kaylee... which it had been, even if she hadn't been mentioned... Simon gave Inara an inquiring look.

"I'm a Companion. I'm trained to... allure. To stimulate a response." Inara smiled. "Even if that response is never acted upon, I'm accustomed to people - especially men - being aware of me to some extent, and being able to gauge the extent of that reaction from their verbal cues, body-language, and so on. Shepherd Book _does_ register a reaction, even though it's one of mild discomfort. You honestly didn't seem to notice that I was female, and I couldn't imagine why."

Simon's face felt hot. "I hope I didn't offend you..."

"No, not at all." She chuckled. "Well, maybe my pride was a little bruised. I'm used to getting much more of a reaction. But now it's... relaxing. I can have a conversation with you without making a performance of it, either to attract your attention or subtly deflect it. It's rather a novel experience."

"Well... good. That is good, isn't it?"

"It is." Inara poured more tea, and now that he was paying attention he saw that she just poured it... it wasn't a graceful performance or a subtle act of distance, it was just tea. "I wish we'd had this conversation earlier."

"So do I." He liked Inara... she was gentle and sweet, if mystifying. "Thank you for having it with me now."

"You're welcome." Her smile softened into the genuine one she usually saved for Kaylee. "I hope we can find time for a few more - "

"Get back here, you little _hai chong_!" The roar was furious. A minute later, heavy feet thundered past Inara's door.

"Oh, no..." Simon set his cup down hastily and hurried to the just-slightly-open door. He was in time to see River, giggling, scamper around the walkway and down the stairs opposite. Behind her Jayne was in hot pursuit, probably because someone not unrelated to Simon had poured syrup onto his head. "Oh, _no_..."

"Oh dear." Inara was beside him, peering over his shoulder. "Jayne doesn't respond well to pranks."

"I didn't think he would. River!" Simon knew there was no point in chasing her. "River, what did you do?"

"She poured _syrup_ on me!" Jayne wasn't nearly as fast as River, but he probably had more stamina. At least he wasn't waving any sort of weapon.

"You stole my fruit bar!"

"It weren't yours, it was on the table!"

"Still mine!" River waved the fruit bar over her head and ducked around a crate, doubling back in a manouvere that usually worked on Kaylee.

It didn't work on Jayne. Roaring in triumph, he pounced on her as she rounded the crate, wrapping one arm around her waist and hoisting her off her feet. "Gotcha! Gimme that!"

"Nooo! Mine!" River kicked, shrieking with laughter. By dint of much wriggling and flailing, she kept the bar just out of his reach. "Can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!"

"I already caught you!" Jayne shook her, grabbing for the fruit bar. "Now _give_ me that, and you're going to get the syrup out of my shirt too or -"

"What is going on here?" Mal was on the walkway now, glaring down at them. Simon sighed in relief. Mal could handle Jayne. Simon had been about to intervene himself, but... well, it would work better if Mal did it.

"She poured syrup on me!" Jayne, naturally, blamed the whole thing on River.

"He stole my fruit bar." River bared her teeth and growled at Jayne. "Mine! Rrrrr!"

Jayne apparently thought it was a good idea to growl back. His growl was a lot more impressive than River's. So were his teeth.

River went limp and started laughing again, clearly thinking this was the funniest thing she'd ever seen.

"I just... I don't even want to know, I really don't." Mal shook his head, heading down the stairs. "Jayne, put the child down."

Scowling, Jayne swung River onto her feet. Mal promptly grabbed her arm before she could make a run for it. "River, no more wasting syrup on non-edible objects, do you understand me?"

"Yes, captain." River smiled angelically at him.

"Jayne, no more shaking the kid. You break her, you bought her, am I understood?"

"Okay." Jayne scowled.

"Good." Mal snatched the fruit bar out of River's hands, ignoring her plaintive wail. "You've both had _enough_ sugar for today. I don't want to see either of you with one of these until tomorrow at the earliest, you understand me?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Yes, Mal."

"Good." Mal released his grip on River. "You, go clean up the sticky mess on the table. You, go clean up the sticky mess on your head."

River and Jayne departed, Jayne sulking and River still snickering. Mal shook his head, and looked up at Simon and Inara, who were still standing on the walkway. "Doctor, I would appreciate it if you kept a tighter leash on your sister. As much as I sympathise with your increasingly difficult task, there is only so much crazy running and giggling I'm prepared to tolerate."

"Er... actually, this is the most normal she's been since I rescued her." Simon found that he was grinning widely. "The syrup in the hair thing is an old favourite of hers. She used to do it to me whenever I was being particularly obtuse."

Mal looked at the fruit bar in his hand and then back up at Simon. "This is normal behaviour?"

"Well, for River."

* * *

xiao gui - little demon (affectionate term for a naughty child)

hai chong - injurious insect, pest

biao mei - female cousin

biao xiong - male cousin

mei mei - younger sister

yu chun - stupid

zi you - freedom, liberty

go se - crap, lit dog excrement

you zhi - childish

cu cao - crude, coarse

xiao zang gui - dirty little ghost (another term for a naughty child who has gotten very dirty)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

* * *

"River?"

Jayne had refused on principle to help look for River when everyone started getting all squirelly about how they were about to land on Persephone and if she wasn't being watched she might wander out the doors and blah blah blah Jayne had lost interest and started thinking about something else at about that point.

Mostly because he didn't really give a good gorram, but somewhat because he'd been fairly sure he knew where she was. He'd been watching her slow migration from hidey-hole to hidey-hole, and her current favourite was the space a couple of feet square to be found behind a vent-panel. When the captain had started making noises like 'we don't open the doors and let people out until she's found', Jayne had decided to take a hand.

The panel was silent. Too silent. If the space behind it had been empty, there'd have been a faint hint of echo. Weren't no echo, so it followed the space was full of something, likeliest thing being girl.

"C'mon, come out."

More silence.

He frowned, rubbing his chin. "You know I didn't really mean it when I said I'd put you in the head and flush you out into space, right?" he said, just in case that was it. He hadn't figured she'd take the threat at all seriously - she knew she wouldn't fit, and anyways, he'd just been a little mad because of that prank with the syrup.

"Babies are born innocent. They come into the world unknowing and yet aware."

Jayne frowned. "Uh... yeah, I guess." Getting better at understanding the girl he might be, but this was just making no sense at all. "You thinkin' on babies for any special reason?"

"Babies don't come from nowhere. They're constructed, cell by cell, in a process the mother cannot control. Built, like little robots made of meat."

Meat-robots was a disturbing new turn to an already weird conversation. "That's the way it's always been done, far's I know."

"How do they know how to be human?" River sounded as if her heart was broken. "How do they go from being a construct of flesh to being a real human person, with feelings and thoughts and involuntary movements?"

"I dunno." Jayne had never given it even a second of thought. "They just do."

"I was a baby once. I waved my hands and looked around me and was a person even without language or self-determination." River sniffled. "But they took my brain apart and now I've forgotten it. It's lost, with the sticky pink parts of the brain and the fluids that run out all over the floor..."

Jayne shifted uncomfortably as he crouched on the floor. It disturbed him when she talked about these things, especially in that childish voice that had no business speaking such words. "Doc said they cut open the part of your brain that makes you... you know... not think of stuff."

"My consciousness extends to every part. I have to think about everything, all the time... about walking and talking and seeing... they used to happen by themselves, but now everything must be thought..."

Jayne sat down on the deck. He hadn't realized it was like that. He personally tried to avoid thinking that hard about anything... he couldn't imagine having to think his way through every step he took, every word he spoke, having to remember to make his muscles move and his voice come out... It must be like thinking about swallowing - if you thought about it too hard, you forgot how. "You mean you gotta think about _everything_?"

"Do you know how many individual muscle movements are involved in walking from the galley to the infirmary? I do." She sighed, and he heard her shift slightly behind the panel. "I'm not real. I can't remember how to be. Just a construct that looks like a girl, meat and blood and fluid in a skin that 's full of holes..."

Jayne found his hand going out to touch the panel lightly. "You're a crazy little pain in the ass, is what you are. An' that's how I know that's just stupid talk. You're a girl, 'cause ain't no other thing in all the universe is as annoying. I didn't think anyone could be worse'n my sisters, but you got 'em beat all hollow. Did even before the syrup."

There was a long silence, but some of the tension seemed to go out of the air. "I didn't know you had sisters."

"Three." Four, before Lisey had died. "All growed up now, o' course. Married and babies and such."

"You don't write to them. You haven't seen them in a long time." She sounded wistful, but not like she was gonna cry any more. Jayne offered up a brief and profane prayer of thanks on that. "Your mother writes sometimes and tells you that they're all right."

"Yeah. Look, I don't talk about that, all right? Not about family." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Just... you're a girl, okay? Crazy and annoying and weird, but that's practically normal for girlfolk anyway."

There was another long moment of silence, and then the panel opened and River crawled out. She'd been crying - he saw that and pretended that he hadn't - but she looked thoughtful now. "You could be lying. To make me feel better."

Jayne raised his eyebrows at her. "_Xiao gui_, when have I ever lied to make anyone feel better 'cept me?"

"You don't want me to answer that." She sat on the deck beside him, pulling her knees up onder her chin. "But the independent observation of an outsider is a valid point for consideration. You have thought I am crazy, and dangerous, and possibly a witch... or a member of congress... but you always think I am a girl."

"Well, yeah." Jayne shrugged. "Given as you was buck naked when you popped out of that crate, don't think anyone on the ship's got any doubt on that score."

Damned if she didn't give him a shocked look. "You shouldn't talk about that. It's indelicate."

"I _am_ indelicate. Ask anyone." Jayne grinned. Shocked was better than weird or tearful, at least. "Kinda my personal theme, indelicacy."

She looked uncertain for a moment, and then she smiled. "You are always yourself, even when that is inappropriate."

"Well, yeah." Jayne shrugged. "Don't hold with pretendin' to be what I ain't. Wastes time an' effort."

"What if you forgot who you were?" Somehow she'd inched over to right beside him, her thin shoulder just brushing his arm. "What would you do?"

Jayne considered it. "Well, bein' as I'd still be me even if I couldn't remember who I was, reckon I'd probably start shootin'."

That made her laugh. "Yes."

"River? There you are!" It was Kaylee, all mussed up and beaming with relief. "Jayne, where'd you find her?"

"Here?" Well, it had been a stupid question.

"We've been looking everywhere for you." Kaylee took River's hand, and River allowed herself to be pulled to her feet. "Listen, there anything you want me to get you while I'm shoppin'?"

"No." River glanced back at Jayne and smiled. "Jayne says I am a girl."

"Yeah. I'm keenly observant." Jayne hauled himself to his feet, rolling his eyes. "She's found, can I go now?"

"Soon's we're settled." Kaylee beamed at him. "Thanks for finding her!"

Much later, somewhere between the bar and the brothel, Jayne found himself buying something for someone who wasn't himself. He blamed it on the whiskey.

* * *

"Come on in. Sit down." Wash smiled encouragingly. He and Zoe had been out shopping, but she got antsy when she had to leave Mal alone for too long these days. Wash didn't like it, but he didn't blame her either - Mal was a bundle of nervous sulk knowing that Inara was about to leave, and a nervy Mal was a Mal who made bad decisions. Zoe really did need to watch him.

But it meant that Wash got a little lonely, lurking up in the cockpit with nothing much to do, and he was pleased when Simon entered slowly, giving him a tentative smile. "I'm surprised to see you here. I would have thought you'd be... out." The doctor was a good kid... good man, really, but he seemed so young sometimes. A bright kid, a fast learner, but still finding his feet in the worlds.

"We were out. Now, once again, we are in. It's generally best to stay close to Serenity at times like this."

"Times like what?" And there was the flaw in Simon Tam... he honestly didn't know. He knew Inara was leaving, of course, but he just wasn't making the leap.

Wash gave him a helping hand. "Times like when the captain is... antsy."

"Oh. Those times." Simon grinned his sideways grin. "What with one thing and another, there tend to be a lot of those."

"That there does. This time is extra-specially tense, though." Wash sighed. "This has to be hard on River... all the emotional upheaval, and so on. Is that why she was hiding today?"

"I never really know why she hides." Simon sat down on the co-pilot's chair. His sleeves were rolled up, and he looked a lot less tidy than usual. "She wouldn't talk to me about it, but she was fairly calm - Kaylee said Jayne was talking to her. I was going to ask him what it was about, but he left before I could catch him."

"Yeah, probably best. Jayne gets crabby if someone tries to interrupt his drinking and whoring time." Wash shook his head, grinning. "He's a simple man. And by 'simple', I mean 'disgusting'."

"That he is." Simon wrinkled his nose as he laughed. "But River likes him. I have no idea why."

"Neither do I. It disturbs me a little." Wash picked up a triceratops and fiddled with it. "Did you know he's braided her hair?"

Simon blinked at him, mouth slightly open. "He... what?"

"She didn't know how to braid her own hair until Kaylee taught her, or so I hear from the Shepherd. Yet, when they had been alone together for two days, braided her hair was. Logic leads us to the inescapable fact that either Serenity is infested with hair-braiding gnomes, or Jayne did it. Now, myself, I'd prefer the gnomes, but since they haven't struck again..."

"That's..." Simon's hand had come up to his mouth. "Disturbing. Very disturbing. Something about that mental picture is..."

"So terribly, terribly wrong. Yes, I quite agree." Wash turned the triceratops upside down and examined its feet. Something sticky on the hind right... "As is the fact that he continues to have some kind of magical calming influence. Usually after a full-scale River-hunt hiding incident you'd still be down there trying to calm her down and giving her soothing injections and so on."

"I know. She's off a lot of the medications now. And she is calmer, when she spends time with him. It... worries me. I just don't like him being around her so much, being... himself. What if she picks up unsavoury habits or something? And what if she really can read minds? I don't think the Book of Jayne is one I want her reading."

"I think everyone on the crew, including Jayne, is with you there." The Book of Jayne... short captions and lots of dirty pictures. And guns.

"But he _is_ helping her. So I can't say anything." Simon sighed. "Wash, can I ask you something?"

"Sure. Ask away. I am all with the talking and the advising and communicating of brilliance."

Simon looked sheepish. "Do Jayne and Mal... and sometimes Zoe... ever make you feel... I don't know... a little..." He flopped a hand weakly.

"Sissified? Meek? Unmasculine? Lacking in butchness?" Simon nodded, and Wash shook his head, grinning. "Oh, yeah. All the time."

"Oh, good." Simon returned his grin. "It's... all the testosterone sloshing around gets a little overpowering sometimes. Not that Zoe has testosterone," he added hastily. "It's just that she's... well..."

"Taller than you?" Wash said helpfully.

Simon went red. "Well..."

"Simon, until you and the Shepherd joined us, I was the shortest male on this ship. And the sissy weak one. I know how intimidating it can be, believe me."

"Well, if it makes you feel better, I'm fairly sure I'm the sissy weak one now." Simon grinned lopsidedly.

"It does, actually, thank you." Wash chuckled at the boy's affronted look. "Look, don't worry about it. Jayne's _job_ is to sweat testosterone and be intimidating. It's his one skill. You're actually useful and hard to replace."

"That's not very comforting."

"Okay, how about this..." Wash let the joking tone drop, turning his chair to face Simon squarely. "Jayne intimidates me. So does Mal. I've seen both of them try to use their size against you, doing their looming thing and all... and it doesn't _work_ on you. You're short, okay, fine. Lots of people are short. But I've seen guys a hell of a lot bigger than you, including me, back down in the face of Mal's wrath, let alone Jayne's. You just draw yourself up and glare like you don't actually know they're bigger than you are."

"I know. Believe me, I know." Simon shifted in his chair. "But... it doesn't show?"

"Nope." This was really terribly endearing, and Wash had to make an effort to keep the smile off his face. "You don't back down. That's very important. Except when Mal's in, you know, that special mood where he really desperately wants to shoot someone. Then back down a lot. Quickly. And don't make any sudden movements."

"I'll remember that." Simon nodded, smiling. "Thank you."

"Any time." Wash returned the smile. "And listen, any time you and River need a break, she's always welcome up here. As long as we're not, you know, fleeing from combat or something. She and I have some great games of Dinosaur Dialogue. Sometimes we sing funny songs."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah. Sometimes she makes up new words." Wash grinned. "When she found out Inara was leaving, she gave me seventeen verses of 'The Captain Has His Head Up His Pigu'. All the insults rhymed and everything."

Simon laughed, and then stifled the noise abruptly, as if he was embarrassed by the overt display. "When she was ten, she wrote a cycle of twenty-one extremely derogatory haiku about her piano teacher."

"She's still got it, even if she's not using the same rhyming scheme." It was good to see the hopeful look on Simon's face, that was too often drawn with worry. "She's going to be fine, Simon. She just needs some time."

"Huh." Simon gave him a surprised look.

"What?"

"That's what Jayne keeps telling her. That it'll just take time."

"I'm giving the same advice as Jayne?"

"Apparently so."

"Am I feverish? Feel my head."

* * *

Jayne had made a small show of ignoring her after he got back from his overnight visit to the sights and sounds of Persephone. River was amused - she could see his curly purple insides, and she knew it wasn't that he didn't like her anymore. He just didn't want anyone to know that he did, because then she would become a weakness. A chink in his stony casing.

Obedient to his wishes, she didn't seek him out until late. Everyone but Jayne and the captain were sleeping, and Mal was in his bunk, moping over Inara's departure. (He was as big a boob as Simon. River was considering telling him so.) Jayne was lifting weights again - a dull, repetitive activity that relaxed his body and made his mind smoothly rippled, like water-worn stone. She watched him for a while, basking in his linear, simple nature.

"I know you're there," Jayne said, without turning his head.

"How?"

"That lump in the middle of your face ain't a decoration." He grunted.

River felt her face, and found the lump he described. Small, pointed at one end, with two tear-shaped holes. "You smelled me."

"That shampoo the doc picked out for ya smells stronger'n Inara's. You want to be stealthy, you're going to have to stop smelling like a gorram flower garden."

"Or stand down-wind." Since he knew she was present, she slipped out from under the stairs and went to stand behind him, watching his face from an interesting upside-down perspective. "Sweat wears your mind like water on stone, makes it smooth and round."

He frowned, anger flaring. "If that's your way of sayin' I'm all muscle an' no brain..."

River shook her head, frowning as she tried to make the colours in her head come out as words. "Not stupid. Smooth. Like a lake. No angry yellow or sharp corners."

He relaxed, his smooth ripples coming back. "You mean it calms me down?"

"Yes."

"Yeah. Sometimes." He continued pushing the weight up, away from his heart, but the work grew harder and he grunted and pushed it back onto its stand. "Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"Can't sleep." He sat up, and River moved to sit beside him on the bench, pulling her knees up under her chin. "The captain fills the ship with orange and the smell of burning plastic. It makes my pillow nervous and it tries to escape my head."

Jayne nodded, and River was grateful that he didn't tell her that what she said didn't make sense. She knew it didn't make sense. That didn't make it untrue. Simon could never understand that. "That's why you shouldn't ever let anyone too close," he said seriously. Jayne had begun talking to her about whatever was on his mind, the way he did with Book, and it made River happy. She felt it indicated a certain level of understanding reached - she would listen to his confidences without telling him they were stupid, and he would listen to hers without telling her that they made no sense. "They go off, get a better offer or some such, an' there you are all bleedin' inside and nothing to show for it."

"I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you," River said dreamily."It is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your frame. And if that boisterous Channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapped; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly."

Jayne frowned, nervousness spiking inside him. "What?"

"A story from Earth-that was. The Captain doesn't want Inara to see his string, but it pains him already." River sighed, resting her chin on her knees.

"Well, Captain's stupid, comes to womenfolk." Jayne shook his head. "Gettin' all attached is stupid, an' then not letting on and getting settled like is _more_ stupid." He was relieved that River hadn't brought up any strings that might be between them, because Jayne was afraid of strings. She knew that, and didn't mention the tiny cobwebby thread that tied them together. Perhaps it would become a string one day, if Jayne wasn't warned in time to untie it.

"He's a boob. Like Simon." River shook her head sadly. "They fall in love and their mouths close up and their hands are as clumsy as feet in the handling of hearts."

"Yeah. Falling in love makes you stupid." Jayne snorted. "That's why I stick to the professionals." Then he stopped abruptly, embarrassed. Whores were not a right thing to discuss with little girls, in Jayne's mind. "Uh... I mean..."

"Financial transaction removes emotional elements." River nodded.

"Well... yeah." Jayne shifted uncomfortably. "How'd we get to talkin' on this?"

"The captain is stupid and lets his heart be broken for his own inaction."

"Oh. Yeah." Jayne nodded. "His funeral." He looked around, to ensure that nobody was watching, and shifted again. "Uh... I got you something, on Persephone. But don't tell anyone."

River beamed. A present! She couldn't remember the last time she'd been given a gift. "What is it?"

He dug in his pocket, and fished out a slender leather strap. "Here. Should fit the knife I gave ya. Since you don't got any pockets in them stupid dresses, this'll make it easier to carry it around."

River accepted the strap, smiling as it slid smooth against her fingers, the warmth of Jayne's body held in it and passed to her. It was long enough to circle arm or leg, but thin enough to lie flat and not show too much under a sleeve or a skirt. "Thank you." She smiled at him, knowing he liked that even though it unsettled him. "Self-sufficiency - "

"Is still the goal, I know." Jayne shook his head. "Don't tell anyone I encouraged you to start carrying knives around. Not after the whole slashin' thing."

"I won't." She twined the strap around her fingers, drawing out the warmth from it. "You aren't afraid of me any more."

"Huh?" He blinked, sparkling with affronted pride. "I wasn't ever afraid of you. You're small enough for me to use for a handkerchief."

She giggled at his defensive bluster. "The unpredictable is frightening. Madness is unclassifiable, and only understanding banishes the fear."

"I ain't afraid. Wasn't ever." He grumbled, the noise a meaningless display of strength that River ignored. "You're just less annoying now that you're making more sense."

"I'm not making more sense," River said, sadly because she wished she could. "You just listen to the words now."

"You make more sense sometimes." Jayne shrugged. "When Simon's not around getting all streaky."

River giggled again. Simon's streakiness did make it a lot more difficult to concentrate. Jayne and Kaylee were best, if she needed to make herself understood. Their thoughts were less spiky and they didn't confuse River so much. "It's hard to tell sometimes. Truth doesn't make sense in a three-dimensional context."

Jayne shrugged again, broad shoulders trying to push aside the air. "Truth is overrated."

"Jayne is always truthful." It was what made him so comfortable to be around, now that he wasn't afraid of her any more.

He looked away, going olive and creased with shame. "No I ain't."

"Always truthful about being Jayne," River explained. "Don't think one thing and say another. No pretending."

"Oh. Yeah. You mean like when you know the doc really wants to spit and cuss and he gets real polite-like?"

"Makes my head hurt." River scowled, rubbing her temple. "It's deceitful."

"I guess." Jayne shook his head. "Ain't ever seen the point myself."

"I know." She leaned against him for a minute, resting her head on his shoulder. "Tell me a story before I go to bed."

"Oh, hell no. Just because I got you something that don't mean I'm gonna fuss over you the way your prissy brother does." He fended her off, lifting her off the bench easily and setting her firmly on her feet. "Go. Bed. I don't care how damn orange the captain is."

"Please?" She caught his hand, not letting him shake her off. "Tell me about Vera."

He blinked. "What, you mean how I got her?"

"Yes. Tell me that story."

"Ain't much of a story."

"I like it."

"And then you'll go be crazy someplace else?"

"I promise."

"Okay. Took her off this fella was trying to kill me..."

* * *

"We're actually going to make Worthington this time?"

The cockpit was getting... comfortable. Wash was a good man, decent and light-hearted most of the time, and he never seemed to think Simon was a pain in the ass.

"Yep. I'd stay out of the captain's way for a while, if I was you." Wash was frowning.

"Me? Why?"

"River had one of her poetic spells at him while Book was fixing her lunch." Zoe was slouched elegantly in the co-pilot's chair. "Told him that opening the door doesn't count as releasing the dove if you keep hold of its wings."

Simon winced. "Oh dear."

"Yeah. Made herself pretty clear."

"He marched straight up here, told me the job on Paquin could wait, and then stormed off looking for someone to make as miserable as he is. So I suggest that you and River both stay out of his way for a while." Wash glanced over his shoulder to give Simon a rueful smile. "As long a while as you can."

"Wash is right. He's in a powerful bad mood, and as like to blame you as River for it."

Simon glanced over his shoulder nervously. "I think I'll go sit quietly in my room with the door closed."

"Good idea."

"You do that."

Simon was seriously considering it, but he slowed as he reached the hold. If Mal had finally given orders for them to head for Worthington, Inara was probably packing. Maybe she'd need help - he might not be much practical use outside the infirmary, but he did know how to pack elaborate garments without creasing them and how to handle fragile silks or delicate ornaments. He should at least offer to help.

He'd expected Kaylee to be in there, comforting and helping, but when Inara opened the door the shuttle behind her was empty, looking very forlorn with things scattered everywhere and the hangings beginning to come down from the walls. "Simon. I... did you need something?"

Simon noted the slightly reddened eyes disguised by makeup and the brittle way she held herself. "Actually, I was wondering if you needed any help. With the packing. I have a certain amount of training in handling fragile and breakable objects."

She smiled a little at that, and stepped back. "Thank you. That would... I could use some help."

He was surprised and rather touched that she'd accepted his offer. Inara usually wouldn't let anyone into the shuttle when she felt vulnerable. "Anything I can do."

Inara didn't seem inclined to make conversation, and Simon let the silence go on for a while, helping her to fold the hangings too big for one person to manage. He could tell she was unhappy, but he didn't know what to do about it. Maybe he should fetch Kaylee, or Book... but no. Inara was a friend, and it seemed cowardly to run away when he knew she needed someone. Even if he wasn't really the best someone to have. Drawing in a deep breath, he laid an armful of brocade in a trunk and straightened up. Best to just ask. "Inara... is there anything I can do? Besides... helping?"

She tilted her head gracefully. "What do you mean?"

"I'm..." He stalled for a moment, not knowing what to say, then took a deep breath. "Forgive me. I'm not good with words - which I think everyone on the ship knows by now. But I am a doctor. I can tell when someone is in pain, and when I see it, I want - I need - to help. I know you understand that - as a Companion, you're trained to counsel and guide as much as seduce. As one professional easer of pain to another, Inara, is there anything I can do?"

She stared at him, and then she looked away, her façade of perfect control failing her as her lip quivered just a little. "It's... sweet of you to offer, Simon, it truly is," she said quietly. "It means a great deal to me, both that you would want to help me and that you would accord me such respect as a... fellow professional. But there's nothing you can do."

Simon picked up a silk pillowcase, folding it into a small, neat square just to have something to do with his hands. "I thought maybe it would... help to talk about it. I know talking isn't my greatest skill, but I think that I might have a certain... perspective. That might help."

"What do you mean?" Inara folded her arms, cupping her forearms with her palms as if suddenly chilled.

"I know how it feels, to have to choose between everything you've always lived for and the person - or people - who you love." Simon moved around to meet her eyes. "Forgive me if I'm prying, but I do know how terribly alone it can make you feel, and... you've been so kind to me and River. I'd like to try to repay that kindness, if you would let me."

* * *

xiao gui - little demon (affectionate term for a naughty child)

hai chong - injurious insect, pest

biao mei - female cousin

biao xiong - male cousin

mei mei - younger sister

yu chun - stupid

zi you - freedom, liberty

go se - crap, lit dog excrement

you zhi - childish

cu cao - crude, coarse

xiao zang gui - dirty little ghost (another term for a naughty child who has gotten very dirty)


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

* * *

"I'd like to try to repay that kindness, if you would let me." Simon's voice was gentle, and his eyes held hers. Automatically, Inara assessed his body-language... entirely open, a little nervous but sincere.

"It's not..." Inara's denial died half-spoken as her suddenly breaking voice betrayed her. "I just... you wouldn't understand."

"I think I might, actually." Simon fiddled with her pillow-case. "I have known other Companions, remember, and I know what an incredible investment of time and... and passion is involved in completing Companion training. Much more than in becoming a surgeon."

"But you gave that up." She looked away. The temptation to confide in him was suddenly strong. Simon wouldn't scold her for her weakness, the way her sister Companions would. "Do you understand why I'm doing this?"

"Well, no. Not exactly. I understand the dilemma, but not why you've chosen the path you have." She could see him fumbling for the right words. "I mean, it's not that I think you've made the wrong choice, or anything. I just don't know what motivated you to make the choice now, or what the influencing factors were."

"It was Nandi. She showed me that I'd left the decision for far too long." Inara bit the inside of her mouth, trying to suppress the tears that thoughts of Nandi still brought.

He nodded slowly. "I do see that a decision has to be made, and I'm sorry for my part in it. River and I have made this ship even less reputable than it was before. There's only so long that you can continue your association with thieves and smugglers before your own reputation is tarnished, quite aside from the issues of... emotional attachment."

"It's not your fault." The urge to comfort him was automatic and she laid her hand on his arm. Then she looked away. "It's... getting too attached is dangerous. To a place, to a group of people... it makes you dependent on them. A Companion is never a permanent member of any group, and she must remember that for her own safety. I fear I've left my going far too late."

"If you want to avoid having your heart broken one way or the other then yes, I think you have." Simon nodded, sounding bizarrely, reassuringly professional. Just so might Doctor Tam have laid out the uncomfortable truth for a sickly patient. "It's... well, it's a choice. Either way, you'll have to make sacrifices."

Inara bit her lip. "Like you did."

"Like I did."

"But it's not the same." Inara's voice trembled, and she hated the loss of control even as she blessed the good fortune that only Simon would see it. "You knew that River was in pain, that she needed you. You knew that only you could help her. I wouldn't hesitate for a moment if that was what hung in the balance, but..."

"That did make it easier." Simon shrugged, an endearingly embarrassed look on his face, as if heroism was somehow too forward. "But it still wasn't easy. And whatever you choose, there will be times when you resent being forced to make the choice. I..." He took a deep breath, meeting her eyes again. "I have moments when I think about everything I gave up, and I almost resent River for making me spend the rest of my life living from criminal enterprise to criminal enterprise, my skills atrophying as I stitch knife-wounds and pull bullets out of the same limbs over and over." A self-deprecating smile curled his lips. "I hate myself for feeling that way. I'm ashamed of thinking for an instant that my sister isn't worth every single thing I gave up for her, but occasionally I do, just for a moment. No matter how dearly I love her, I sometimes wish I didn't have to suffer for her. No matter what you choose, you'll have regrets."

"That's not exactly comforting." She'd always admired Simon's courage, but now that she was facing a similar decision she couldn't imagine how this gentle, sheltered, utterly unprepared young man had forced himself to throw away everything he possessed, very nearly including his life, for the one person he loved most. Inara could have died for Mal... or Kaylee, or Wash... without a moment's hesitation. The thought of giving up her _life_ made her nearly sick with terror. "I don't know what to do, Simon."

"I know. And I can't help with that." Simon reached out, cupping his hand around the point of her shoulder just the same way he did with River, holding her steady. "I just... for what it's worth, Inara, while I have my moments of weakness, I don't regret the decision I made. I heard a lot of the same speeches from my parents that I imagine you would from the Guild - the failure in my responsibilities, the throwing away of my potential, my certain poverty and disgrace - but in the end, it was a matter of making the choice I, myself, could live with."

Inara's eyes were full of tears and she looked down at her hands to find them twisting themselves nervously together. "But I don't know what that is," she whispered. "I have to choose between giving up my family or... or _myself_, everything that I am."

"No, you don't. You have to choose between leaving one of your families and giving up what you have been." His other hand cupped her other shoulder and he gave her a gentle little shake, smiling just a bit when she looked up again to meet his eyes. "I know what you mean, I said the same things to myself, but they weren't true. You won't give up yourself, no matter what you decide. You are your own, and you can't be given away. I am still Simon Tam. I am still a gifted surgeon. I am still _me_, even if I'm stitching knife-wounds and bullet-holes on a ship held together with prayers and insulation tape. And you will still be Inara Serra, no matter what path you choose. It's important that you know that. It's... so much less frightening when you know that."

A little sob escaped her as the tears escaped her lashes to trickle down her cheeks. "But I don't know what to do. I want to stay, but I'd have to give up everything and I don't want to!"

"I know... shhh, biao mei, I know..." Simon murmured, and the kindly, respectful endearment all but broke her heart. She leaned against him, and his arms slid around her just as if she were River, as if she had every right to weep on his shoulder and beg him to advise her. "I wish I could make this easier."

"You do." Inara's face was buried against his shoulder. "Oh, Simon, it hurts me so..."

"I know. Shhh, it's all right, let it out..." He stroked her hair gently while she cried, rocking her just a little.

After far too long - though only a few minutes - she managed to get her sobs under control and sniffled pathetically. "I'm sorry for falling apart like this."

"You know, I sort of like it." She looked up in surprise at that, but the smug satisfaction of a man comforting a vulnerable woman was absent from his face. A shy smile was there instead. "I've been a big brother for most of my life," he explained, producing a clean handkerchief and drying her cheeks as if she were a child. "It's the only thing besides medicine that I'm really confident that I'm good at. I like being able to... to help. To give advice, and lend a shoulder to cry on, and offer to hit the young man in question even if he is significantly larger than I am."

Inara squashed a fresh wave of tears that threatened to erupt at that tender gesture. She had never wanted or even imagined having a brother, but she envied River fiercely now. "That is perhaps the very sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me," she said truthfully, managing a watery smile. "You're a unique and very special person, biao xiong. River is lucky to have you." He already had a sister, and Inara wouldn't trespass on that kinship, but if he could call her cousin, she could return it.

Simon blushed. "I...Thank you, really. I will hit him for you if you want me to, although I don't think it would help much."

"No, it wouldn't. But it's sweet of you to offer." Inara smiled shakily. "I just... Simon, I don't know if I can bear to sacrifice my dignity to become as dreadful a cliché as a Companion who leaves her profession for a man."

"Then don't. Ignore him entirely." Simon handed her the handkerchief. "Here. Wipe your nose."

Never in her adult life had a man indicated to Inara that her nose was less than perfect and immaculate. Never since she was nine had it _been_ other than perfect and immaculate in a man's presence save in situations of life or death. Inara wiped her nose, feeling unreasonably comforted.

"Ignore him," Simon repeated, his face grave. "River is... she's my sister. She's a part of me. If I'd turned my back on her when she needed me, I could never have forgiven myself. I know that." He met her eyes squarely. "Your sisters in House Madrassa love you, I know they do. But you have a sister here who loves you just as much, in Kaylee... and you're more a part of the family on this ship than I am, though I'd like you for an honorary part of mine as well. You have two families who love you, and two paths you can take. It's not a matter of... of duty or romance or fiscal security. What matters is that you make a decision that is right for you, that you can live with."

"Either way I'll lose the people I love." Inara trembled. "The life I love."

"I know." He hugged her again, tucking her head against his shoulder and rocking her slightly. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry this hurts you so much, and I wish I could fix it."

"I know." She snuggled against him for a moment and then straightened up, wiping her eyes. "But you're right. I can't let Mal be the deciding factor in this. It's not that simple." She managed a small smile. "How is it you can be so eloquent when you talk to me, and yet you can't get two sentences out without tangling them irretrievably when you talk to Kaylee?"

Simon blushed. "Because I talked to you the way I'd talk to River, if she was able to hold this long a coherent conversation. It's... I'm good at being a brother. It comes easily. Kaylee is... I want her to like me, and thus I can't even speak to her without insulting her. She thinks I'm a complete idiot, not that I blame her."

"You _are_ a complete idiot around her." Inara wiped her eyes with his handkerchief again. "You instantly swallow both your feet whenever you're anywhere near her. It's sweet, in a rather pitiful sort of way."

Simon winced, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's stupid. I'm a grown man, I should be able to tell a girl she has pretty eyes without making her cry."

"Well, yes, you should." Inara actually laughed, feeling better than she had in weeks. "But it's one of the great constants of the universe and it happens to everyone. The first time you really fall in love it makes you do all sorts of idiotic things."

"Like fleeing Serenity?"

She blinked. "Simon, you said to ignore him."

"I know, but I'm not sure if you can." Simon smiled at her. "But... yes. I care... very much for Kaylee. I just don't think... She deserves more than I can give her. River takes up so much of my time, and even though she's getting better..."

"I know. I wish I could argue with you, because I know Kaylee cares for you, but..." Inara straightened his collar, disarranged by her embarrassing outburst. It had a little lipstick on it, too. "But River's getting so much better. Maybe soon you will have time for something for yourself."

"Maybe." He smiled at her, but he looked sad. "Er...Would you like some time alone to think about this?"

"I really would, actually." She kissed his cheek lightly for his thoughtfulness. "Thank you. Some time to... to really think, instead of just fretting over one very annoying man, would probably be a very good idea."

He blushed again, and then to her surprise he turned the tables by kissing her lightly on the forehead. "Then I'll stop by later to see if you need anything. Take care of yourself, biao mei."

* * *

Simon emerged from the shuttle feeling very pleased with himself. Finally he'd done something right. Finally he'd actually helped to - well, not fix a problem, but at least ease it. Finally he -

Had been caught emerging from Inara's shuttle by Malcolm Reynolds. Simon smiled what he just knew was a nervous and guilty-looking smile. Mal glared at him, spinning on his heel and stalking away without saying a word. "Ta ma de," Simon groaned. Of all the times to be caught leaving Inara's shuttle...

"You have lipstick on your cheek. And your collar." River was sitting on a railing, grinning at him. "The Captain doesn't like that shade on you."

Simon buried his face in his hands. "Ritual suicide. It's the only solution."

"Only if he doesn't kill you first."

"That's very comforting, _mei mei_."

"It should be. He's killed people before and he knows how to do it. You've never committed ritual suicide, and you'd probably bungle it."

"Thanks." Simon wiped at his cheek again. "Were you... listening?"

"I heard Inara's sadness and confusion, and how happy it made you to comfort her." River slid down off the railing and looped her arms around Simon's waist, resting her head on the same shoulder Inara had. "You're a good brother. The very best."

"I try, _mei mei_." Simon hugged her back. "Thank you."

River made a happy noise, cuddling against him. "I won't let the captain kill you. Beat you up a little, maybe, but not kill you."

"Your generosity is boundless." He kissed the top of her head. "Now go let me change my shirt before Kaylee sees me and solves the Captain's problem and yours by hitting me on the head with a wrench."

* * *

River wriggled uncomfortably in her seat, eating her dinner slowly and trying to ignore the roiling of tension in her stomach.

Mal was tense, eating his food as if it had done him a personal injury. He would break a chopstick if he wasn't careful. Inside he was all seething anger and hurt, wanting to hit Simon but knowing that he had no right to do so. That he had no rights over her, and never had.

Simon would have been happy, but the captain's obvious fury bothered him, and he hardly dared to smile at Inara - who was, in turn, doing her best to ignore the captain and focusing most of her attention on Kaylee. Kaylee obviously didn't know what was going on, but she tried gamely to keep the conversation going, with help from Wash and Book. Zoe was no help at all, most of her attention being on Mal and trying to figure out what was wrong with him.

And Jayne ate, occasionally making a crude and inappropriate joke. River was watching him very carefully. Jayne had a positive genius for ferreting out the exact wrong thing to say and then saying it very loudly. Sure enough, by the time the meal was half over, he was looking back and forth between Mal and Simon and frowning. "Hey, what -" he started.

River kicked him under the table. "Don't talk with your mouth full!"

"Don't kick me!" He tried to kick her back, but missed. "I'll talk however I damn well want."

"Jayne, leave the girl alone," Mal growled.

"Me? What'd I do? She's the one kicked me!"

"Jayne, I am in no mood for this. Shut your mouth."

River stuck her tongue out at Jayne. "I'm the good one."

"You shut it too, River. And don't stick your tongue out at the table."

"Jayne started it."

"You kicked me!"

"You made me look at your chewed food!"

"Both of you, _shut up_," Mal roared.

There was a moment of absolute silence.

"Am I the only one waiting for him to say 'if you two don't behave I'm turning this ship around and taking you home right now'?" Wash said, grinning as he danced along the edge of danger with levity to keep him from falling.

"I was more inclined towards 'if you can't eat like civilized people you can both go to your rooms without supper'," Book said, completely deadpan.

"How about 'eat quietly, children, Daddy's had a rough day?" Wash suggested.

"Wash..." Mal groaned, dropping his head into his hands as everyone started to laugh. For a moment it seemed he would explode, and then his lips twitched behind the screen of his hands in reluctant amusement. "Jayne, River... what they said."

Jayne look outraged. "But _Mal_ - "

"Do you want to be allowed off the ship when we get to Paquin?"

Jayne blinked. "Eatin' quietly. Sure."

"I'm not going to be allowed off the ship on Paquin anyway. I have no motivation to eat quietly." River chewed up a mouthful of food, waited until Jayne looked at her, and opened her mouth wide. "Ahhh!"

"If you think that bothers me, _xiao gui_..."

"River, if you can't eat like a civilized person you can go to your room without supper," Simon said, his lips twitching.

River swallowed so she could speak clearly. "I want motivation superior to that of exile. Jayne gets a privilege if he's good. I want one too."

"If you're good I'll brush your hair for you before bed," Kaylee offered, grinning.

"That is acceptable," River said as grandly as she could, which made everyone laugh again. The tension at the table had eased noticeably. Unfortunately, the tension directly across from her had now increased. Jayne did not like being laughed at, and he blamed her for it. Reasonably so.

After Kaylee had brushed her hair, River followed Jayne's cloud of sulk to the hold, where he was working with his free weights again. "I'm sorry I kicked you," she said, and smiled when it came out right. It was getting easier and easier to talk straight around Jayne - his thoughts were so linear.

"So?"

"You were about to ignite the tension at the table. If I hadn't defused the situation Inara would certainly never reconsider leaving, the captain would probably have thrown Simon and I off Serenity, and you would have been confined to the ship for at least a week."

"Oh." Jayne's expression didn't change, but his resentment faded somewhat. "So what bug's up the captain's pigu?"

"He thinks Simon had sex with Inara."

Jayne choked a bit, then grinned. Jayne loved gossip. "So did he?"

River rolled her eyes. "No."

"So why's the captain think he did?"

"He was talking to her in her shuttle and the captain saw him coming out." River decided that a little subterfuge was acceptable in the interest of maintaining friendly relations with Jayne, and leaned close. "Inara is deeply emotionally conflicted. If you tell her you will miss her, and maybe pay her a nice compliment, she may be so overcome as to hug you."

Jayne's eyebrows went right up. "Really?"

"Worked for Simon."

"Awright." Jayne smirked. "Compliments, huh?"

"Nothing obscene. Say something nice about how much class she brought to Serenity."

Jayne's eyes narrowed. "And you're helping me maybe get up close to Inara... why?"

"Because I'm sorry I kicked you. I offer penitence." She tilted her head, grinning at him. "And because it will make the captain very annoyed. He's being a boob."

Jayne thought that over, and nodded. "Okay. You're forgiven for kickin' me."

"Good." River leaned over impulsively to kiss his forehead, the way Simon had with Inara. "I still like you."

"So you want me to get killed by every gorram male on this ship? Gerroff." He pushed her away, but she could tell he was pleased underneath the bluster. "Shoo. Go to bed."

* * *

"Oh, Inara..." Kaylee sniffled, hugging her tightly. "I'm gonna miss you so much... you gotta write me, you promised."

"I will, sweetie." Inara hugged Kaylee tightly, wondering again that this sweet-faced, grubby girl had so easily become more dear to her than the sisters and aunts she'd grown up with in the Training House. It was her transparent honesty that had won Inara's heart... a Companion could feign regard as easily as passion, but Kaylee loved and hated as openly and honestly as a child. "I promise."

"Okay." Kaylee snuffled, and gave her one more squeeze before letting go. As Inara turned away, she saw Simon surreptitiously pass Kaylee a handkerchief and smiled inwardly. He was getting better.

"Now, you take care of yourself. Don't let yourself skip meals, or sleep. And don't overdo the fancy food - you're used to protein now and it'll upset your stomach." Wash hugged her so tightly that her feet left the floor for a moment.

Inara returned the hug, biting her lip. She would miss Wash's light-hearted warmth almost as much as Kaylee's sweetness. "I will. Don't you sit up all night playing with your dinosaurs. A sleepy pilot is an inattentive pilot."

"I'll keep an eye on him." Zoe wasn't the hugging sort, but she clasped Inara's hands and smiled down at her. "You stay in touch, now."

"I will, I promise." Inara nodded, and turned to Book. "Take care of them, Shepherd. Try to keep the bickering from getting out of hand."

"I will do my best, my dear, but I can never hope to replace you." They clasped hands, and Book smiled reassuringly. "I'll remember you in my prayers."

"And I you, in mine." Inara turned to Jayne, who was slouching against a crate. She'd been a little surprised that he'd turned up at all - Jayne usually avoided emotional scenes like the plague. "Take care, Jayne."

"Always do." He shrugged. "You ever need some shootin' done, you call us."

"I will." He hadn't even mentioned payment. For Jayne, this was a positively tender farewell. On impulse, Inara stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek lightly. "Try not to get into too much trouble."

He looked startled, then grinned widely. It took so little to make him happy, bless him. "I won't. Bye, 'Nara. Enjoy the whorin' school."

"I'm sure I will." Before he could get any ideas - or say something crude, which by his standards he hadn't yet - Inara turned to River, who was looking even more like a solemn little owl than usual. "Goodbye, sweetie. You take good care of yourself, all right?"

"A dilemma's horns generally look sharper than they are. When impalement is done, certainty replaces fear." River reached up to pat Inara's cheek gently. "Be good."

"I will. Thank you." More than a little shaken, Inara turned away. River seemed to be looking right into her heart, and much more coherently than usual.

Simon was the last, and he took her hands gravely. "I hope you will be happy," he said gently, and Inara could barely restrain the tears. Leaving their new, still-blossoming friendship hurt terribly, and reminded her again why she'd thought she'd have to leave. "Look after yourself, and remember what I told you about the vitamin D supplements."

That little bit of practicality made her smile, easing the desire to cry slightly. "I'll remember. Skeletal health is for life."

"Exactly." He squeezed her hands again and let go, stepping back to stand beside Kaylee, who was now sobbing on Wash's shoulder. "Call us if you need us."

"I will. Be well, Simon."

Inara had carefully avoided looking up as she made her farewells. She knew she should just turn and walk out of the ship. But she was powerless to resist the aching silence that drew her eyes upward to where Mal stood, watching, refusing to bid her goodbye.

Their eyes met, and Inara's throat tightened painfully. There was so much they hadn't said - so much that couldn't be said, not while they were what they were. She wanted to bid him a casual farewell, but she didn't trust her voice - all her training couldn't keep it steady now. So she nodded slightly and turned, walking out of Serenity - her home! - with her back straight and her head held high.

Sheydra was there to meet her, and they embraced fondly. "Inara, it's so good to see you again. You must be exhausted, dear."

"I am." Inara's voice broke, and her eyes filled with tears, as behind her she heard Serenity lifting off. Leaving her behind.

"Inara... why, what is it?" Sheydra gave her a concerned look. "You look positively heart-broken."

"I am." Inara sniffed. "Kaylee... she was such a sweet child, Sheydra, and so happy to have another girl on board. I'm going to miss her terribly. And Wash... he's the pilot, and he was always so kind to everyone - if he weren't happily married I probably would have thrown it all away for him, he's such a dear. I know I shouldn't have let myself get attached, but..." And she didn't dare mention Simon, so gentle of spirit, or Mal. Never, ever Mal.

"But you were together for a long time, and they became friends. I understand." Sheydra patted her arm gently. "Come and have a hot bath and a good cry. You'll feel better."

Inara sniffled and nodded. "Oh, I'm such a mess. I just don't know what to do."

"You just need rest, that's all." Sheydra had been visibly alarmed when the words 'I'm just not sure what I want for my life' had passed Inara's lips over the wave. Companions were not supposed to have those kinds of doubts. "You're overtired and strained. Everything will seem much clearer in the morning."

* * *

Jayne wasn't hiding, not exactly. Everyone knew where his weights were, and where Jayne was likely to be if he wasn't eating or in his bunk. So it wasn't hiding. It was just... sensibly being at the other end of the ship from the Captain, who was in a powerful sulk over Inara going. And taking it out on anyone who talked to him. Kaylee had already run off to the engine room in tears, Wash and Zoe were holed up in their bunk, and Book had decided he should help the doctor with his endless rounds of cleaning in the infirmary. It always looked plenty clean to Jayne, but maybe the doc just wanted something to do.

Jayne lifted weights until his arms burned, enjoying the simple, soothing motions, until a sudden bellow from the direction of the galley almost made him drop far too much weight onto his own rib-cage. "I don't want to hear another gorram word out of you! Out!"

Jayne got himself to a sitting position in time to see a flutter of brown hair and pink dress dart along the walkway and down the stairs, moving as light and soundless as a butterfly on small bare feet. He frowned. "River?"

She didn't stop, even when he spoke to her, and in an instant she was gone, vanishing down the stairs to the infirmary and the passenger quarters.

On impulse, he followed, almost walking into Book as the older man came out of the infirmary. The doc was already out, staring in bewilderment at a closed door. "River? Is something wrong?"

"Go away!"

"Cap'n yelled at her." Jayne shrugged as both men looked at him in surprise. "I heard it clear down in the hold. Told her to shut her mouth and get out."

"He _shouted_ at her?" The doc looked prissily pissed off. "I know he's... distressed, but River can't help the things she says."

"Cap'n's all _yu chun_ about Inara. She should probably just stay away from him for a while." They were looking at him funny, and Jayne scowled. "What? I don't want him pissing her off and making her take another crazy spell. Once with the carvin' knife was enough."

"Ah... yes. Of course. I'll suggest it to her." The doc nodded, still giving Jayne that look that said he wasn't sure how Jayne was smart enough to walk and talk at the same time. "Er... thank you."

Jayne shrugged and went back to his weights, a little pleased that Book followed him. At least someone around here didn't think he was too stupid to talk to. "Kid's fast. I ain't no slouch, but even Zoe can't run that fast."

"She was upset." Book shook his head, taking his place on the bench as Jayne swapped out the weights. The old man was in good shape, but he wasn't at Jayne's level by a long shot. "Perhaps I should have a quiet word with the captain. Taking out his obvious unhappiness on that child is neither constructive nor acceptable."

"You do and he'll have a quiet bludgeoning of your face." Long experience with Mal's fits of sulks talking here, and Jayne shrugged. "He gets this way sometimes. 's best to just leave him alone and find him a nice Alliance-friendly planet where he can pick a fight."

"This happens often?" Book gave Jayne an upside-down inquiring look.

"Not this bad, but yeah. Cap'n's got some issues." Jayne shrugged. "Just gotta wait it out."

"I wouldn't have thought you'd be so patient with another man's ill-temper." Book grunted a little as he started lifting.

"Yeah, well... he don't take to shootin' folk when he's pissed off, an' he don't do anything bad enough so's I gotta shoot him." Jayne had a short but iron-clad list of things that qualified as Shooting Offences, which was headed by 'trying to shoot me' and then went on to include things like 'molesting little kids' 'giggling too much when killin' folk' and 'being too creepy, like for example cutting body parts off or out of dead folk even when it ain't for a bounty'. "Mal can be a pain in the ass, but I've had worse bosses, y'know?"

"Yes." Book got a distracted look, so he was thinking about something else. "I know just what you mean."

Jayne wondered again what Book had done for a living before he got religion. He was pretty sure the old man had been some sort of soldier or lawman, probably Alliance - high-ranking, at that. Book knew weapons, but he knew them like a soldier, not a merc. He was better on the hi-tech than the cheap, simple stuff, so he was probably Alliance, being as the Browncoats - and before them, the _Zi You_ Army and the Dissidents - had used everything from their teeth on up. Book was old enough that he might have retired before the Unification War, but then again, he might not have. The higher up a soldier got, the older he could be and still do his job, and Book had to have been reasonably high for his ID to get that kind of reaction on an Alliance ship. Still, mighta been he'd been some kinda Fed, not army as such. Jayne was curious, but not so much so as he'd pry. Book had showed a respectful disinclination to ask personal questions, and Jayne was inclined to return the favour. Made sense that he didn't want to talk about it, anyway, as screwy as Mal was inclined to get over anything Alliance.

"Ah, he'll get over it. Maybe you should explain to him that..." Jayne tried to remember. "That redirectin' energy thing you do so's you don't need women."

"That's more for the controlling of inappropriate urges. I don't know that it'd be especially effective against a broken heart." Book smiled a little. "Not that he'd ever admit that that's what it is."

"Whatever. Don't see no difference, myself."

"Between lust and love?"

"Love's just a pretty word for getting' all fixated on one person." Jayne shrugged. "Makes you stupid. Way I see it, that's more inappropriate'n a little quick sexin' where everyone comes out ahead."

Book shook his head, smiling, as he put the bar back on its stand and sat up. "You, young man, have never been in love."

"Nope. Plannin' to keep it that way."

"From my observation, Jayne, love isn't something you can plan for. If it happens, it happens."

"Well, if it tries to happen to me I'll just un-happen it." Jayne scowled. Talking about the squishy stuff always made him a little uncomfortable. He'd steered clear of it all his life - well, his family excepted - and he liked it that way.

"If it does, I rather hope I'm here to see you try." Book grinned. "It will be very... interesting, I'm sure."

* * *

xiao gui - little demon (affectionate term for a naughty child)

hai chong - injurious insect, pest

biao mei - female cousin

biao xiong - male cousin

mei mei - younger sister

yu chun - stupid

zi you - freedom, liberty

go se - crap, lit dog excrement

you zhi - childish

cu cao - crude, coarse

xiao zang gui - dirty little ghost (another term for a naughty child who has gotten very dirty)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

* * *

Mal had been hell to live with since Inara left. Three jobs had come and gone in rapid succession, and Jayne had had to think about it to remember what moon they were on, they'd been coming and going so fast.

But they needed supplies, which Mal had to concede on account of Mal liked eating as much as anyone else, and there were decent markets here. So while he, Wash and Zoe handled the latest round of cargo negotiations, and Book and the doc went out to ply their trades among the townsfolk, Jayne had been fingered to play guard dog for the shopping trip.

Naturally Jayne had pretended that he didn't want to go shopping with Kaylee and River. Mal'd had to order him to go, with that special I'm-losing-patience tone, before Jayne's masculine dignity could be satisfied. There was no way he was letting anyone figure out that he'd _wanted_ to go, although River had gotten a certain little smirk when he went off in his sulk that hinted maybe she'd picked up on it.

He'd enjoyed it. He didn't usually care much for shopping, but Kaylee tended to focus on food and mechanical bits and pieces, both of which Jayne found at least mildly interesting. River stopped to look at every gorram shiny thing she saw, of course, but if she delayed too long she was easy to pick up and move.

And there were the looks. Jayne liked the looks.

Any grimy thug with a little coin could find a piece of pretty to grace his arm when he was in town. He saw a lot of them, strutting around so proud of themselves, like they thought anyone believed they'd managed to secure those girls on account of their charmin' personalities.

Nice girls was something altogether different. Sweet little thing like Kaylee didn't go with any man for coin, you could see that just by looking at her tousled hair and make-up free face. River was a little strange, sure, but she was getting her share of yearning looks from the younger boys as she danced along, her short, flowing dress rippling over slender limbs. And Jayne walked just a little taller, enjoying the envy and disbelief in the faces of his fellow thugs as River hung off his arm and Kaylee chattered away, consulting with him as to what food they just couldn't live without and coaxing him to bargain for her so as to get the Big Scary Man discount. Jayne Cobb was a cut above that kind, at least for today, with not one but two pretty girls who'd actually coaxed him to go along instead of having to be paid to be seen with him.

"Hey, look at those!" Kaylee burst into his happy thoughts and made them much less happy by towing Jayne and River over to a clothing stall. Lots of ladies' shoes, Jayne noted, preparing himself for prolonged unhappiness. Kaylee wasn't usually silly over such things, but maybe it made a difference when there was more than one girl to a trip.

"We won't stay long," River murmured, clutching onto Jayne's hand as they pushed through the crowds. She'd been holding onto him more and more the bigger the crowd got, and it wasn't entirely unpleasant to have her little warm hands tucked into his big one.

"Good. Gorram sissified nonsense."

"Don't be grouchy, Jayne. Simon gave me some coin to get River something." Kaylee smiled and pointed. "River, how about those? Ain't they pretty?"

She was pointing at a pair of slippers of soft leather, something like moccasins, with flowers beaded along the sides and around the toes. They looked sensible, Jayne had to admit, apart from the beads. And River only had her too-big boots, which might be why she went around barefoot so much.

River reached out to touch the slippers with careful fingers. "They're light enough to dance in."

"They sure are. And they'll keep your feet from gettin' so dirty walking around Serenity without shoes all the time." Kaylee picked one up and examined it. "Stitchin' looks sturdy, too, and the leather's thick. They should last a fair spell."

River looked up at Jayne. "I could stand on my own feet in them," she said, making it sound kind of like a question..

Jayne sighed, and condescended to pick the other shoe up between thumb and forefinger and look at it. "Soles are a little thin, but that's good for stealth. They won't squeak or make noise, and you should still be able to climb in them."

"Great!" Kaylee gave him the big smile he always seemed to get for indulging River. Inara had been smiling at him more, too, before she left. There'd even been huggin' a couple of times, which was definitely an added incentive to keep being nice to the kid. "Shall we get these, sweetie?"

River thought it over and nodded. "Yes."

The slippers were purchased - Jayne grumbled and muttered the whole time, which sped up the bargaining mightily - and then River insisted on putting them on at once. Kaylee made it up to him by letting him stop for ammo and the like next, and River made him a little proud by accurately listing all the kinds he needed, what Mal and Zoe needed, and how much of each they should have on hand based on how much they used on average between shopping trips. To reward her, he spent some of the money he'd saved on the bargaining on sticks of cinnamon-flavoured candy, making Kaylee squeal happylike and River lose interest in the crowds and the shinies for a while as she sucked down three sticks without stopping.

And he kept getting those how-the-hell-did-someone-like-you-get-them-fine-girls looks, which almost made the increasing stickiness of River's grip worthwhile.

When the shopping was done, Kaylee curled up in the passenger seat beside him as he guided the new mule back to Serenity. "You think the meet went well?" she said a little anxiously. "You don't think the Cap'n'll get shot again, do you?"

That was always a concern, with Mal, but Jayne was in a good mood and inclined to be kindly - to Kaylee, at least. "He'll be fine. Zoe won't let him say anything too stupid."

"I hope so." Kaylee sighed. "He's been awful jumpy lately, though. Ever since Inara left. Even Zoe's havin' trouble managing him."

"That ain't wrong." Jayne found himself glancing over his shoulder to meet River's dark eyes as she rode curled up among the bundles. "You're the Reader - the Cap'n gonna do something stupid again?"

"Not today. He is more than a petty thief, and he will show her even if she is not here to see."

"Poor Cap'n," Kaylee said sadly. "He misses her so. I wish he'd just told her how he feels, then maybe she'da stayed."

"Or maybe she'da run faster." Mal'd gotten used to Inara, that was the trouble. Gotten to enjoy having a lady a cut above him around batting her eyes at him and making like he was something more'n a petty thief and a scoundrel.

"Insidious," River said behind them. "A creeping infiltration that finds its way into the cracks."

Kaylee was puzzled, but Jayne nodded. He was getting used to River occasionally dropping in on his train of thought. Insidious. Yeah. Inara had been insidious. Today had been insidious, too. Insidiously nice, insidiously comfortable, his enjoyment of doing little homely things with the two sweet girls who actually seemed to like him seeping in through the cracks of his tough, mercenary shell. For the first time, he had a brief moment of sympathy for Mal. Womenfolk were sneaky as hell.

By the time they reached Serenity, River was out like a light with her fourth stick of cinnamon candy clutched in her hand. Jayne wanted to wake her, but Kaylee wouldn't let him. There were few things, when you got right down to it, that Kaylee couldn't coax him into doing if he was sure nobody was watching.

"This way. Come on." Kaylee skipped ahead, giving him little approving glances over her shoulder. River was light enough, cuddled against him with her hair spreading over his shoulder, but Jayne found himself increasingly disturbed. River was making holes in his armour that he hadn't even noticed until she wriggled into them, making him like her. Making him enjoy the slight, warm weight in his arms and tuck her gently into her bed instead of just leaving her in the mule like he normally would. Mal really hadn't been as dumb as Jayne had thought. Females were worse than damp or mildew for getting in places they shouldn't be.

Kaylee took River's shoes off and tugged the candy out of her hand, and they tiptoed out of the room. Kaylee paused as she closed the door, though, smiling. "Don't she look sweet?" she whispered, watching River with a sort of tender look that made Jayne notice again how pretty she was. "Like a little sleepy angel."

"Just her way of lulling us into a false sense of security." Jayne found himself smiling a touch himself, and straightened his face out hurriedly. He'd go so far as to admit privately that River looked cute when she scampered around in his hat and her big boots, but cooin' over her while she slept was just too pitiful. "C'mon, let's get the mule unloaded."

Kaylee followed him, smiling still. "It feels nice, don't it?"

"What?"

"You know... goin' shopping, coming home, putting the youngun to bed..." Kaylee started sorting the parcels, putting all the second-hand parts she'd scrounged into a nice pile. "It feels so homely."

It had felt homely, and Jayne didn't like it much. "She ain't a baby, Kaylee. She coulda walked to bed fine if you'd let me wake her up."

"I know she could, but it's nice to baby her some when we can. I think it's good for her to do ordinary things like eat lots of candy and get carried to bed when she's pooped after a big day." Kaylee admired some chunk of metal that looked like an old-fashioned pump-handle to Jayne. "You know, normal little girl stuff."

Jayne grunted, privately agreeing with Kaylee. River seemed to do a lot better and less crazy when she was let hide in holes and eat candy and throw little tantrums without Simon having a heart-attack over it.

Then a cheery voice sounded out and just shot Jayne's good mood right in the head.

"Kaylee! A fine productive day for you too, I see." Mal grinned as he led Wash and Zoe up the ramp. "Didn't manage to lose Jayne down a hole someplace, but no day can be perfect."

Mal was always saying things like that. More since Ariel, but he'd always done it. So had Wash and Zoe. They were always so careful to make sure that Jayne didn't get it in his head that _he_ might be part of the little family they had building up on Serenity. Wasn't nobody gonna miss him if he got killed, nor anyone to say 'we should go back and find him' if he got left behind. Except maybe Kaylee, and Mal didn't listen to her none when she got all sentimental.

"Make Mister Sunshine help you with the rest," Jayne growled, makin' like he didn't care none, but it was hard when it came right on the heels of Kaylee talking about how homey Serenity was getting and River cuddling up in his arms all sweet and sleepy and trusting. He grabbed an armful of food and headed up the stairs, his boots not loud enough to drown out Wash's voice down below.

"Well, someone's had a bad day. Kaylee, did you make him go into a dress-shop or something? Was he scarred for life by contact with pink frills?"

He was just through the door when he heard Kaylee's voice all sweet and plaintive. "Why you always gotta do that, Cap'n?" She sounded sad and disappointed, the way she did when Jayne said something she thought was mean.

"What'd I do?" Mal sounded surprised. Kaylee didn't usually talk like that to him, and Jayne eased back up to the doorway, tilting his head to hear better.

"You're always so mean to Jayne. Here he's spent all day protectin' me and River, walking all over and carrying stuff and buyin' her candy and holding her hand when the crowds scared her, and you come in and act like you didn't even want him here at all."

"He was holding her hand?" That was Wash, sounding surprised. "How is it that after two years Jayne is suddenly starting to behave like an actual person? Has someone been putting the milk of human kindness in his merc-chow?"

"Jayne _is_ an actual person!" Kaylee's angry voice soothed something inside Jayne that he hadn't even known was aching. "You all treat him like he's some kind of... of intruder, like he ain't part of the crew and don't deserve to get treated like one."

"Hey now, Kaylee, Jayne is... well, he's Jayne." Mal sounded like he was trying to calm her down. "Gruff, mean, cares only about himself -"

"How can you say that?"

"How can he say what?" That was Book - sounded like the other party were back too.

"Cap'n said the day woulda been perfect if I'd lost Jayne down a hole." Jayne could almost hear the mournful look on Kaylee's face. "While Jayne was standin' right there. Cap'n's always so _mean_ to him."

"I ain't mean!" Mal sounded affronted. "When am I mean?"

"Constantly?" Jayne blinked. That sounded like the doctor's prissy little voice. "I mean, not that I care, but Jayne is something of an unwanted step-child in the family that is your crew."

"See? Even Simon's noticed. You're always saying as how it wouldn't matter none if Jayne got hurt or killed, an' how you don't trust him, an' how he ain't nothing but _go se_." Kaylee was all but shouting at the captain now, bless her sweet heart. "You always talk so big about how we're you're crew an' that's what matters, but you don't treat Jayne like crew at all and it ain't fair!"

"Now just you hold on a minute." Mal was starting to sound testy, and Jayne risked shifting around just enough to see a little slice of the hold. Mal had his arms folded, and Kaylee was all but standing on his toes, waving her pump-handle around as she argued. "Jayne is a part of this crew, and that I will agree. But he isn't trustworthy, Kaylee, and I don't want you breaking your heart when he shows you that. Jayne looks out for Jayne, and that's the beginning and end of it."

"Yeah, well, maybe if he wasn't the only one _did_ look out for Jayne he'd care more about other folks!" Kaylee flourished her pump-handle again, making Mal step back a little. "Loyalty goes two ways, cap'n."

"She has a point." That was Book, all deep self-assurance. "I will not deny that Jayne is a selfish, grasping fellow not overburdened with moral scruple -"

"Hey," Jayne muttered, feeling wounded. He'd always thought he and Book got along good.

" - but he is not without redeeming qualities, not the least his genuine fondness for little River. He has devoted enormous amounts of time to her over the last few weeks, far in excess of what you demanded of him."

"Only because she keeps followin' me around like a gorram puppy," Jayne muttered, embarrassed. He hadn't thought anyone had noticed.

"You shoulda seen him with her today, preacher," Kaylee said eagerly. "He bought her candy and let her hold his hand when she got scared of the crowd and everything."

"She was holding his... I'm disturbed now." The doc sounded it, and Jayne smirked. He'd not only had both the doc's girls all to himself all day, but they'd liked it and now Kaylee was standing up for Jayne instead of Simon for once. "I can't say I really care whether or not the man-ape's feelings get hurt -"

"Simon!" Kaylee sounded disappointed in him. Good.

" - but I have to agree with Kaylee. You don't treat Jayne the way you do everyone else. I know you don't like him, but you don't really like me either, and you still offered me and River a place in the crew."

"That I did." Jayne cringed. Mal sounded _mad_ now. "But given as you are more or less completely dependent on my goodwill to keep you and your crazy little sister alive, doctor, I'm inclined to think you're bright enough not to do anything would make me think my trust in you is mistaken. Jayne is inclined to get real stupid when enough money is waved under his nose, and he and I have made it understood with each other that the day he is offered enough money is the day he will betray me, and that that day will be an interesting one indeed." His voice got cold. "Seems to me that the fact he got you and your sister captured on Ariel through being gorram stupid oughtta make you less inclined to defend him."

Jayne swallowed hard. Mal knew what he'd done. The doc knew, too. But neither of them knew that the other knew, and nobody else knew, and if it all came out here he wasn't gonna get anything as benign as 'left behind'.

"What? What'd Jayne do on Ariel?" Not Kaylee. Jayne didn't want little Kaylee to know what he'd done...

"Jayne had... something of a fit of temper." The doc was talking slow, the way he did when he wanted to give himself time to word things just right. "That was why we didn't make the rendezvous, and why we got captured. It was his fault, certainly. He was also the only reason we survived. I want it understood that he could have escaped easily. I sincerely doubt that anyone would have bothered to look for him if River and I had still been in custody. He did not do so. He freed both of us and stayed with us until the captain found us, an action that put him in danger and probably saved our lives."

"I didn't know." Jayne would never, ever say another harsh word to the doc, he promised himself. Not after makin' Kaylee think he was all heroic like that. "Poor Jayne, he musta felt so bad for gettin' you into trouble like that."

"Indeed he must. A fit of temper, you say?" Mal still sounded all icy, and he was glaring at someone Jayne couldn't see, probably the doctor. "That isn't quite how I would have described it myself."

"Perhaps not." Simon moved into view, and Jayne had to admire the way that little bantam of a man could lock eyes with Mal. "He and I have discussed the issue, however, and come to an understanding. While we are on the same crew, we must be able to trust each other."

"And you trust him, do you?" Mal's jaw jutted out.

"I have to, captain." For once, the doc sounded kinda dignified instead of just prissy. "As you pointed out, I am dependent on you - all of you - to keep me and my crazy sister alive. Trust is a slender thread on which to hang our lives, but it is all I have."

Mal's lips tightened, which usually meant he wanted to say something and was biting down on it. "The two of you talked, you say."

"Yes."

"You think maybe this... fit of temper was something I should have known about?"

"No, Captain, I didn't. It's no secret that you are not overly fond of Jayne. It would have been poor thanks for saving our lives - even if he was the one who put them in danger in the first place - to have him thrown off the ship." Mal was glaring at him. The doc folded his arms and glared right back. "Trust must begin somewhere."

"Cap'n should be told these things," Zoe said quietly. "Ain't for you to make that call, doctor."

"It wasn't fair." The little childish voice surprised everyone down in the hold as much as it startled Jayne, as River padded into view on little bare feet.

"What wasn't fair, child?" Book said gently.

"If I'd hurt Zoe or Kaylee, Captain would have thrown me off the ship. Left me on Ariel to go squish." River gave Mal the cool, accusing look that made Jayne squirm when it was aimed at him. "But Jayne doesn't matter."

"You want I should throw you off the ship? Is that what you want?"

"No. But you did worse than I did."

"How is that, exactly?"

"Jayne didn't like me, and I didn't like him. There's no betrayal where there is no trust, just the knife and the blow answering." She touched her lip where his backhanded blow had split it. "He's been offered money to betray you before, but he didn't take it. He never took it. Two years loyal, doing what he was asked. Then the _xiao gui_ attacks him and you make no nevermind of it, as if his blood is worthless. He was owed more for those two years than you gave him."

Mal went still, the way he did when he didn't want to concede a point he knew was made. "Nobody tells me who can and can't stay on my boat."

River held his eyes. "Nobody else would have had to."

"That don't excuse what he did. He betrayed you and he betrayed me, when he let you be taken."

"You betrayed him first. What trust was there was broken by you, not by him. He was angry and fearful." River shook her head, her loose hair shimmering like brown silk. "Kaylee is right," she said, her voice suddenly small and childlike. "You're mean to him."

"I do not believe what I'm hearing. After all ill he's had to say of you and your brother, not to mention him getting you caught, you're defendin' him?" Mal ran a hand through his hair. "Why?"

"Because he gives me the weapons to fight my nightmares," River said seriously. "He sets me on the path and makes me walk it with my feet."

"He encourages her to be independent," Book said softly. "To be able to survive on her own."

Jayne didn't want to listen anymore. The more soft words he heard the worse it made him feel. Jayne knew he wasn't a good man - he'd never tried to be. He was selfish and greedy and he looked out for himself first and only. Sure he'd been kindly to little River today, but that was only because he'd been enjoying the attention he was getting from other people. And he only did it other times 'cause it made Kaylee and Inara get soft on him, and he liked that. He'd only pushed the kid to be independent because he wouldn't have to trouble with her any more if she was.

And maybe because he felt guilty over Ariel. Maybe just a little because he liked having her trail around after him, admiring him and thinking he was more than a greedy thug who'd sell her out for enough coin. But that was still for him. It weren't done for her.

Moving almost silently, he dumped the food on the table and retreated to his bunk. He usually polished his guns when he needed to take his mind off something, but now they reminded him of all the time he'd spent using them to keep River from bothering him. His knives were already clean and sharp - he'd been teaching her how to look after hers by having her do most of the work on his. It'd seemed kinda clever at the time.

He wound up just sitting, trying to drag his thoughts away from the tangle of guilt in his stomach. He wasn't sure how much later it was when his door opened, and he looked up to see Book peering in. "May I come in, Jayne?"

"'F you want." Jayne looked around automatically when the preacher turned around to come in, and realized that he'd already covered up the porn in case River came in again. That made him feel even worse.

"So. How much of that little discussion did you hear?" Jayne looked up in surprise, and Book raised an eyebrow. "I can't imagine you'd fail to eavesdrop on a conversation that you know involves you. And for once, the fate of the eavesdropper was not to hear ill of himself - at least not entirely."

"Yeah." Jayne hung his head.

"For someone who was being so staunchly defended, you don't seem particularly happy."

"C'n I ask you somethin', Preacher?" Jayne fiddled with one of his knives, just turning it over aimlessly in his hands. "Kind of a moral question?"

"Of course. I've had special training with those."

"If you do something as makes someone happy, and it don't hurt nobody, that counts as somethin' good, right? Even if it was good for you too?"

"Well, that depends." Book sat down on the bunk beside Jayne, sounding thoughtful. "Did you do this thing to make the other person happy, or yourself?"

"Both?" Jayne met Book's questioning look and hastily looked down at his hands again. "I mean, mostly me. But not all of it."

"Well, that's still a little good. Not greatly virtuous, but somewhat good." Book leaned back, resting his hands on his knees. "You've never struck me as the sort to be concerned over the virtue of his behaviour."

"Usually ain't." Jayne didn't know how to explain. He'd resented being so casually shut out of the family growing on Serenity. It'd made him happy when River and Kaylee accepted him as part of it, being so sweet and confiding. But he wasn't entirely sure he wanted the kind of burden that family brought. Life was easier when he only had to worry about himself. "River ain't a bad kid," he said, surprising himself a little. "Crazy, and _you zhi_ sometimes, but she's got guts."

"She does. She fights on, despite trauma that would have reduced many an adult mind to empty despair." Book sounded kinda mournful, like he was sad for her. "Her courage is admirable."

"She's a fighter." That spoke to Jayne. He didn't feel sorry for the kid just 'cause she'd been treated rough. That happened every day, sometimes worse than what had been done to River. But he respected her fight, her struggle to make sense with her broken brain. And it had been... nice... having her nestled in his arms, sleeping with her head on his shoulder. He'd forgotten how that felt, after being away from home for so long.

"That she is." Book was quiet for a little while. "For what it's worth, whatever you've done to teach her to fend for herself is an act of goodness," he said quietly. "That child has had her life controlled by others for far too long. Whether it makes life easier for you or not, to let her find her own feet is a good and worthwhile act."

"Someone's gotta. She don't know no more about survivin' than a baby, an' the doc ain't no better."

"That's true." Book nodded slowly. "Of course, the captain's order that you amuse her aside, teaching her to take care of herself cannot be held to be your responsibility in any way."

Jayne frowned, trying to work out whether that added up to 'good for you' or 'you shouldn't do that'. "Someone's gotta," he said again, figuring that covered it either way.

"Yes." Book nodded, his eyes crinkling up at the corners as he smiled. "And it's a good thing you're doing, Jayne."

"Yeah?" That made him feel...guilty, still, but better. Maybe he could do the odd decent thing without going all sentimental and stupid. "I get points for that?"

Book chuckled. "I'll make a special note of it in my prayers. Points to Jayne for doing good service to another of God's children."

"Thanks." Jayne wasn't a religious man, exactly, but he didn't want to get in bad with God just in case he really was up there. "Uh... maybe you could say a bit about how I ain't taken any of them offers of money to betray the captain, too?"

"I'm sure that God knows, Jayne."

"Well, yeah, but just in case. I coulda, but I didn't."

"Why not?" Book quirked an eyebrow again. "Motivation is important, after all."

Jayne hung his head, feeling silly. "I like it here," he mumbled.

"I'll credit that to loyalty, then." Book stood up, smiling. "Sleep well, Jayne."

Jayne tried, but he had confused dreams of running through the corridors of that hospital with River sleeping in his arms, trying to get away from Feds who threw bibles at his head.

* * *

"You defended Jayne. Why?" River had allowed Simon to take her back to bed, but it wasn't the same as being carried there by a stone-man whose usual angry growling was muted to a grumbling purr of reluctant contentment. She had been awake when he picked her up, but by the time he had put her into her bed she had been lulled into sleep by his mind's purr. Then he'd suddenly been wounded and angry and growling again, and she'd had to go see why.

"Because... I don't know, really." Simon smiled ruefully, smoothing her hair. "He still drives me insane. He's crude, he's disgusting, he's stupid... but you like him. And he has tried to look after you, in his unimaginative way."

River graciously allowed Simon to get away with this criticism of her stone-man, since he'd stood up to the Captain so nicely. "He's very linear. I like it."

"I suppose simplicity of mind would make things easier for you." Simon kissed her forehead. "And what I said was true. He could have left us."

"He could." River snuggled into bed, sliding a hand under her pillow to feel for the little knife Jayne had given her. Its presence was comforting. "The Captain is angry with him."

"The Captain doesn't like having to admit that he's wrong." Simon impressed her with this bit of deduction, and she returned his smile. "Kaylee said you had a good day today."

"Kaylee bought shoes for me. Jayne gave me a treat." River looked at the stick of artificially-flavoured cinnamon candy. "He walked proudly in the masses with virtue beside him."

Simon didn't understand, and he kissed her goodnight and went away. She didn't know how to explain how proud it had made Jayne to have people think he was someone decent and worthwhile, to be seen with River and Kaylee beside him. River had held his hand just to enjoy that shy, proud happiness. Simon had felt that way Before, she thought, when he'd introduced his clever sister to his friends. But since she'd become broken, nobody had been proud to be with her. She'd thought it would never happen again.

If the captain was mean to Jayne tomorrow, River was going to make him really, really regret it.

* * *

Mal Reynolds was not a happy man.

Kaylee was pouty with him, and it always vexed him when Kaylee was unhappy. Making Kaylee sad was like kicking a puppy - no matter how gorram annoying the thing was, you felt as guilty as sin as soon as you'd taken your swing. And as for young Doctor Tam - Mal wanted to be very, very angry with him for not telling Mal what he knew about Jayne's treachery, but that would have led almost immediately to why Mal hadn't told the doctor what _he_ knew about said treachery, and while it had seemed best at the time Mal knew he'd have some trouble justifying the decision now.

Kaylee and Book carried the conversation at breakfast. Zoe was being so stoic she was hardly breathing, Wash was deeply confused and not sure whether to side with his wife or not, the doctor was deliberately and with intent using table-manners to be annoying and River was ignoring the single pancake on her plate in favour of staring at Mal with her creepiest fixed stare. Mal had a strong feeling that River was not happy with the way he'd cut the discussion off and ordered her to bed last night.

Jayne was sitting with his head down, uncharacteristically silent. He was eating, right enough, because it took a lot to put Jayne off his food, especially when it was real food. But he looked like something was on his mind, which wasn't an expression Mal was much accustomed to seeing on Jayne's face.

"Does the job start today?" Kaylee said, when Book had run out of comments to make on the weather and was starting to look desperate.

"Won't be loading the cargo up until tomorrow, leaving as soon as it's done. You've all got today to do with as you will." Mal took a mouthful of pancake. "At least, so long as what you will includes cleanin'. Want Serenity to look shiny for our nice new client, don't we?"

"Yessir," Kaylee muttered, looking downright mopey again. Probably hoping for some private time with Simon so he could insult her again. Boy did keep on doing that.

"Good." Mal grinned. Time to remind everyone who was in charge here. "Wash, clean out the cockpit. Zoe, you get the excitement of shuttle two." Shuttle one, Inara's, was locked up. He saw no reason for that not to continue. "Shepherd, I believe it's your turn to handle kitchen cleanup. Kaylee, I do not want to see any evidence of space-monkeys when I show the nice client how reliable our engines are. Doctor, when the infirmary is shiny you can make sure the walkways are clear and free of any noticeable chunks of garbage. Jayne, clear as much space as you can on the hold floor and hose it down. River, you be helpful where and as you can."

There were quiet murmurs of assent, and then Kaylee looked up. "Uhm... Cap'n?"

"Yes?" There was a decided edge to Mal's tone. He felt just a little guilty for talking to Kaylee that way, but not much.

"It ain't Jayne's turn to do the hold," she said, addressing her plate quietly. "He's done it the last two times as is."

Mal frowned. Now that he thought on it, Jayne _had_ spent a lot of time cleaning the hold lately. He'd forgotten, but damned if he was going to back down now. "I wasn't inviting a discussion, Kaylee. This is me telling, not me asking."

"But it's the biggest and hardest job." Kaylee looked at Mal like he was eating kitten pancake. "It ain't fair to-"

"Forget it." Jayne pushed his plate away, despite there still being some morsels of food on it. Mal had never seen Jayne push food away before.

"But Jayne -"

"Leave it, Kaylee. I'll do the hold." Jayne shrugged and got up from the table without looking at anyone.

"Jayne..." That was Book, sounding concerned.

Jayne didn't say a word, just walked out of the galley.

River followed him, choosing for some reason to crawl under the table instead of walking around it.

Kaylee's lip trembled. "He heard what you said last night, I know he did. Now his feelings is hurt."

Mal shifted uncomfortably. Up until now he would have laid money that Jayne didn't have feelings _to_ hurt, but rejecting food and and agreeing to clean the hold without so much as a whine were things Jayne hadn't ever done before. "Eavesdroppers don't generally hear good of themselves."

"I think I'll just go make sure my quarters are in order before I start in here." Book left, giving Mal an unreadable look. Disappointed, maybe, but there was more to it.

"I should go make sure River isn't bothering Jayne." Simon set his knife and fork tidily together and slipped away, bestowing a smile on Kaylee that lightened the threatened tear-storm a little.

"Well. This is awkward." Wash reached over and helped himself to River's untouched food. "Would we like to discuss this now, or does anyone else have pointed leaving to do?"

"I better go make sure there ain't no monkeys in the engines." Kaylee's voice was wobbling, and she hurried away with what might or might not have been a swipe at her eyes.

"That went well." Zoe spoke, finally moving from her near immobility to look down the almost empty table.

Mal rubbed his forehead, feeling a headache coming on. "That it did. My entire crew is in the sulks, excepting Wash, who prefers witty little remarks, and you. Maybe you. It's really hard to tell if you're sulking, what with you being so stoic and all."

"Oh, it's not so hard. She gets a tone, when she's sulking. It's subtle but unmistakeable." Wash speared another piece of pancake, looked at it, and lowered it to his plate again. "You're both wrong, you know."

"Excuse me?" Zoe didn't sound pleased.

"About Jayne. I hate to say it, kitten-pie, but you're wrong and Kaylee is right." Wash sighed. "There goes some of my easiest witty material, but there it is."

"In what exact way are we wrong, Wash?" Mal felt his temper starting a slow simmer again. "Tell me where, exactly, we have made our misjudgement of Jayne's character."

"It's not a where. It's a when." Wash sounded unwontedly serious. "Look, I felt the exact same way when we took him on. He was stupid, he was _cu cao_, he was gorram treacherous as evidenced by his willingness to shoot his last employer in the leg when you gave him a better offer. But that was two years ago, Mal, and your judgement is a little out of date now."

"And you think he's changed since then?" Zoe raised an eyebrow.

"I think he's trying to." Wash laid down his fork and rested his elbows on the table. "It's taken him quite a while, which shouldn't surprise anyone given that he can't even read actual writing without running his finger along under the words, but he has actually started to take in some of the relatively refined moral atmosphere of Serenity. And you two can't or won't see it."

"It's not so much I don't see it as I don't believe it." Mal frowned. "He's up to something."

"Yes. Of course. Buying candy for River and teaching her to throw knives is all part of his evil master plan." Wash rolled his eyes. "Even Jayne can want to be a better man, as unlikely as that sounds. Especially if what happened on Ariel was his fault."

"Oh, it surely was." Mal's lips tightened. River had almost certainly had the right of Jayne's thoughts on that matter, and he wasn't entirely comfortable knowing that Jayne had had some kind of justification for feeling that Mal had betrayed him _first_.

"So, he gets a wake-up call that's loud enough even for him." Wash shrugged. "Maybe realizes how close he came to letting that innocent if crazy child get dragged away and tortured. Not to mention the whole mess on Canton. He has been trying, Mal. The amount of time he spends with River is proof of that all by itself."

"He does that because I pay him to."

"Mal, you pay him to watch her when everyone else is busy. You don't pay him to spend hours working out with her, or finding her when she's hiding, or catching her when she jumps off high things, or having long conversations with her in the hold when everyone else is asleep."

"There are long conversations? Since when are there long conversations?" Mal frowned. He didn't like the sound of that. "How do you know about this?"

"I've caught them at it a couple of times, when I've been up late doing course corrections." Wash shrugged. "The first time I think they were talking about the life-cycle of the sturgeon. Well, River was. Jayne was mostly lifting weights and talking about fishing."

"The life-cycle of the sturgeon." Mal felt his eyebrows make a break for his hairline. "Well, that's... innocuous."

"The second time she was quiet and Jayne was telling her some story about how he got one of his guns. You know the kind of thing... there were a dozen big brawny men who he killed with his teeth and pocket-knife. She seemed enthralled." Wash shrugged. "Mal, he likes her. And I think Kaylee has a point - Jayne deserves to be treated like part of the crew, grotesque and crude though he is. He's like that cousin that nobody really gets along with but who you have to put up with because he's family."

"But..." Zoe shook her head. "I know what you mean, honey, I do, but he's so... himself."

Mal gritted his teeth. Oh, he did hate this so much. "Wash has a point, Zoe."

She looked dubious. "You think so?"

"Jayne's been doin' his best to act like a decent human being of late. Ain't saying he's been doin' it well, but he's tryin' and that should count for something. He was mighty shaken after we left Canton. And Ariel."

"Even so, sir... Men like Jayne don't change as a rule."

"There are exceptions to every rule, Zoe. Ain't saying we should trust him as yet, but maybe it's time we gave him a chance to earn a little trust. We'll just... see how he does."

"If you say so, sir," Zoe said, her expression indicating that she had doubts but would allow him to have his way for now.

"I do say so." Mal stood up.

More accurately, Mal tried to stand up, felt his foot suddenly yanked back under the table, found the other foot mysteriously immobile, and fell backwards, knocking his chair over and landing flat on his back with an interestingly bruised hip thanks to the chair arm and a number of stars dancing in front of his eyes courtesy of the floor that had just smacked him in the back of the head.

"Sir, what -" Zoe tried to get up and then fell back into her chair as Mal's leg was yanked at sudden-like.

"Stay still." Wash ducked under the table, then laughed quietly. "Ah. I think River's still unhappy with you, Captain. She appears to have tied your right bootlace to the leg of the table, and your left to Zoe's right."

"Could you untie us, dear?" Zoe sounded more than a little put out.

Mal agreed with her on that. "You know, new kindly attitude to him aside, this stuff is funnier when she does it to Jayne."

"No argument here." Wash chuckled as he tugged at Mal's boots. "Just one more second... there. All laces are back where they belong."

Mal sat up, shaking his head. "Right. That's it."

"Mal, what are you - "

Mal ignored Wash, limping out to the walkway in as dignified a manner as he could. Jayne was still moving the assorted boxes and crap over to one side, with River sitting on his weight bench and apparently issuing orders. The stack was unusually tidy, for Jayne's work. "River!"

"Huh?" Jayne turned, and his face went wooden when he saw Mal.

River folded her arms. "What?"

"Young lady, if you ever try a stunt like that again I will personally put you over my knee and spank you." Mal glared at her. Softening on Jayne he might be, just a little, but River had been a thorn in his side ever since the dove speech.

River smirked. "If you keep your feet stuck in the mud, you have to expect to fall down."

"What?" Jayne was looking puzzled. "What stunt?"

"She tied my bootlaces to Zoe's. Had one of us gotten up sudden there could have been bleeding and concussing." Mal resisted the urge to rub his bruised hip. "I've put up with enough of your little pranks, missy. This is going to be the last or you _will_ be spanked and sent to bed without supper."

Jayne mumbled something that might well have been "Just because this is the first time it ain't been me."

River glared in her best creepy fashion. "I know where you sleep."

"And I know where _you_ sleep, which will not be on this boat for much longer if you don't start behaving yourself." Mal bit back the rest of the tirade and took a deep breath. He hadn't come in here to shout at the child, it just kept happening of itself. "Jayne..."

"What?" Jayne didn't quite meet Mal's eyes.

"I've changed my mind. I'll deal with the hold. You take the brat outside and... I don't know, do some target practice or shoot some rabbits or something. I don't care. Just take her away and keep her out of my sight."

"But..." Jayne looked at the box in his hands. "Mal, you sure?"

"Yes. Positive." Mal relieved his feelings by scowling ferociously at the little pest sitting demurely on the padded bench. "Don't lose her, and don't let her shoot anyone."

"Uh... sure, I guess." Jayne shrugged, still looking perplexed. "River, go get your shoes and them empty cans."

"I do not understand the obsession everyone on this boat has with my footwear." River sighed deeply and scampered off to her room.

"You sure you don't want me to finish this first?" Jayne indicated the pile of crates.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Kaylee's right, it ain't your turn." Mal sighed. He knew Kaylee would expect apologies, explanations, and possibly some hugging. Damned if he'd embarrass himself so. "Ain't ever got the impression you minded my temper. Don't start now. It ain't... personal."

"Yeah it is. Sometimes." Jayne didn't seem inclined to let things drop, unfortunately.

"And sometimes it ain't. Sometimes I just can't yell at the person I'm really mad at on account of they're too little and inclined to cryin' and the like." Or because they're not here.

Jayne blinked a couple times, seeming to think that over, and then he nodded. "Don't bother me," he said, shrugging. "Ain't gonna get all fussy over hurt feelin's and such like I was a girl or somethin'."

Mal relaxed. Good. They had an understanding. Jayne knew as Mal tried not to shout at the girls when he could avoid it - though River was annoying him mightily just now - and would take the sniping at him as a matter of Mal not having anyone else to bitch at who wouldn't get upset about it. "Good. There's enough fussin' on this boat without you coming over all sensitive."

Jayne looked affronted. "Sensitive? Me?"

"A laughable notion, I own. Take the girl away, buy her more candy if you have to, just... keep her busy. The doc can't keep her under control worth a damn and she's getting on my last nerve."

* * *

xiao gui - little demon (affectionate term for a naughty child)

hai chong - injurious insect, pest

biao mei - female cousin

biao xiong - male cousin

mei mei - younger sister

yu chun - stupid

zi you - freedom, liberty

go se - crap, lit dog excrement

you zhi - childish

cu cao - crude, coarse

xiao zang gui - dirty little ghost (another term for a naughty child who has gotten very dirty)


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

* * *

Kaylee was sitting on her bed reading when her door opened and a pair of legs came into view down her ladder. She recognized those legs in their neat trousers and shiny shoes, and her mouth dropped open as the rest of him came into view. "Simon?"

He closed the door quietly, and turned, face a little pink. "I'm sorry for intruding," he said, speaking quiet-like. "I just... ah... I needed to hide."

"Hide? Hide from who?" Okay, so it wasn't the most romantic-like reason for him being in her bunk, but she'd never thought to see him in here at all at the rate he was going, so she'd take what she could get.

"The captain. He's coming this way and there's nowhere else to hide."

"Oh." Well, she couldn't blame him for that. The cap'n had been in an increasingly filthy mood the last week or two, for obvious reasons, and River kept windin' him up more and more. Simon hardly dared show his face outside the infirmary these days - the cap'n must have caught him sneaking up to the galley to get food. "Well, you can stay in here 'til he goes, if you want."

"Thank you." He smiled a bit bashfully at her. "I am sorry I didn't knock or anything, but River talked to him this morning and I'm afraid he'll throw us both off at the next stop if I offend him. Or, you know, speak to him. Or look at him."

"Oh, he wouldn't do that. Um. Probably." Kaylee smiled uncertainly. "Probably best to stay out of his way, though. He misses Inara real bad."

"I did get that impression." Simon grinned his sweet sideways grin that made her heart turn over. "He seems to think we don't know, though."

"Oh, he always has. Him and Inara both." Kaylee rolled her eyes. "They all thought as we were too stupid to see what everyone in the whole 'verse could 'cept for them."

"Yeah." He leaned against the wall, tucking his hands into his pockets. "You really miss her, don't you?"

"I sure do." Kaylee fiddled with the tablet still in her hand, surreptitiously closing down the trashy romantic story she'd been reading. "We was real close... least I thought we were."

"You were." Simon looked up at the ladder, lowering his voice as it vibrated slightly with the force of someone stomping past. "I miss her too."

Unwelcome knowledge, and Kaylee straightened up. "You do?"

"We got to be... friendly, before she left." Simon looked at her, and for once he seemed to be able to read her expression. "Not... you know... _friendly_. Just... Companions have a lot of training in psychology, you know. I'm doing my best, but I'm a surgeon, not a psychologist or a counsellor. Someone I could talk to about River, discuss potential treatments with..."

Kaylee relaxed. Of course 'Nara would never have encouraged him, even if he had liked her. Not knowing how Kaylee fancied him. But it was good to know that he didn't see the far more beautiful, more sophisticated Inara that way.

But... River. It always came back to River. Which was how it ought to be, of course, but... "How's she doin'? River, I mean."

"Tense. The captain's mood is taking a toll on her. Jayne's been doing his best to keep her busy and out of the captain's way, which is... strangely kind of him." Simon made a funny, bewildered face. "She seems to enjoy it, though. She spent a lot of yesterday smelling everything in the hold. I think she licked some things, too."

"Jayne's always smellin' stuff." Including her, a couple of times, which Kaylee had found a mite unsettling until she realized that he just sniffed everything he came into contact with, be it food or girls or random bits of equipment. "Did she say why?"

"Something about states of being and libraries." Simon shrugged. "She seemed to be enjoying herself, though. She told me quite seriously that she was here today."

"As opposed to... bein' someplace else?"

"That part did sort of make sense," Simon said, sounding sad. "She's not... always here with us, a lot of the time. On Earth-that-was, they used to say of people who went mad that they had wandered in their wits. Sometimes it seems as if River's wandered away somewhere in her own mind."

"She's wanderin' back more often now, though," Kaylee said hopefully. Maybe if River was better, and Simon wasn't always so worried about her...

"She is. Mostly to talk to Jayne which, again, disturbs me." Simon grinned a little. "Although less, now. Even when she puts syrup in his hair or ties his boot-laces together, he just chases her and yells. I don't think he'd... well, hurt her or anything."

"Well of course he wouldn't!" Kaylee was right shocked that he'd ever considered such a thing. "Jayne might be mean a lot of the time, but he wouldn't go around hittin' little girls! Or any ladyfolk, 'less they was trying to kill him or somethin'."

"Well, there was that one time..."

"She'd just stabbed him. Can't blame him for that." Kaylee had always felt safe with Jayne, always. He could be nasty and he was almost always crude, but he wouldn't ever put hands on her, violent or otherwise, unless she invited it. "He ain't that kind, Simon. Cap'n wouldn'ta let him stay a week if'n he was."

"I suppose not." Simon looked thoughtful. "Although even the captain doesn't seem entirely sure why he _does_ let Jayne stay."

"'cause Jayne's strong enough to protect us." Kaylee smiled at the thought. "Cap'n worries a lot about folks gettin' hurt, after losing so many of his people in Serenity Valley and all. He needs Jayne to help him and Zoe protect all of us."

"Oh." Simon considered that. "Well, I suppose that makes sense. I - "

The door banged open. Simon ducked away from it. "KAYLEE!"

"Uh... yeah, cap'n?"

"What the hell are you doin' down there? Wash says something's wrong with the engine and he _thought_ you were taking care of it already."

"I was just... uh... gettin' a clean shirt, cap'n." There was no point in telling him she was entitled to time away from the engine room, not right now.

"What the hell for? You're always covered in grease after workin' on the engines anyway."

"Yeah, well, grease is one thing, smellin' like Jayne is something else." Kaylee grinned at Simon's shocked look. "I'll be right up soon's I can stand myself."

"Oh. Well. See as you are." The door slammed shut.

"You stay here," Kaylee whispered, grinning. "I'll lead him away so's you can escape."

"Thank you." Simon gave her a shy little smile. "And... you never smell like Jayne. Even when you are all... you don't ever smell that bad."

That was about the nicest compliment he'd ever paid her sober, and Kaylee beamed. "Really?"

"Really." He was going all pink. "You usually smell... nice. Not that I go around smelling you or anything."

"Too bad." Kaylee grinned at him and scampered up the ladder. "Cap'n? You come with me, I want to _show_ you why there's problems with the engine and why it is you gotta take us back to Persephone and the junkyards so I can get some damn parts."

* * *

"River! You get down from there this minute! I mean it, young lady! That is not a gorram swing!" Mal waited until the girl pouted and climbed down off the cradle-hoist that was currently hanging from the ceiling of the hold - how the hell had she gotten up there, anyway? - and then continued to the galley. "I swear to God, that child will be the death of herself and others someday soon."

"Aww, she's just playin'," Kaylee said fondly. "Don't be such a grump, Cap'n."

"I am not being a grump. I just don't want her breaking anything, like bones or expensive equipment." Mal scowled, helping himself to a stray dumpling that had clearly been abandoned on the table. "And where's Jayne? We got a job to do today."

"I don't think he's up yet. I ain't seen him, anyway."

"Typical." Mal finished the dumpling in a couple of bites and stalked down the hall. Jayne's door crashed open with a satisfactorily loud noise. "Jayne! Get your lazy ass up here!"

"Heywhubu?" That was Jayne - always eloquent.

"Job. Today. Move."

"Awwwwww-"

Mal cut the whine off, slamming the door closed again. He was in no mood for Jayne's bitching today. He was in no mood for anyone's bitching today. He stalked back to the hold, ignoring River's big, accusing eyes as he checked the mule. A simple bandit-grab today. Small group, unprepared, definitely not carrying the same caliber of weapons as his crew.

"You ate my breakfast." River was hanging upside down from the walkway, dangling apparently unconcerned above a distant metal floor and a certain broken neck.

"You wanted it, you shouldn't've left it lying around." Mal scowled. "And you shouldn't be out here. We have a job today."

River stuck out a small pink tongue at him - a gesture she usually reserved for Simon and Jayne - and somehow managed to curl herself upright in a single graceful movement. She padded barefoot towards the galley, her small nose in the air as she made it clear without saying a word that Mal was in disgrace.

Inara had had just the same way of doing that.

Mal kicked the mule, then staggered. "Gorram it," he muttered, determined not to do anything so undignified as crying out in agonizing pain.

* * *

Zoe was giving some fairly serious thought to having the doc sedate Mal. She knew even without looking at the black rings under his eyes that her captain wasn't sleeping, and his temper had gotten so short that little River had hidden in the well in front of the pilot's console and flatly refused to come out until 'the angry captain' went away. She'd also accused him of stealing her breakfast.

The job had, for once, gone smooth. Jayne was slightly less mouthy than usual, which always brightened Zoe's day, and he'd gotten to shoot two idiots with more balls than brains which accounted for his own good mood.

Seemed that nothing could improve the captain's mood, though. Not a smooth job, not the pile of cash money and fresh vegetables they were paid with, not even Jayne keeping his mouth shut for an entire hour. Zoe was fairly certain as to the nature of Mal's discontent, and it wasn't like to resolve itself any time soon.

At least if she had him knocked out for a few days she could talk River into coming out of hiding, convince Kaylee not to keep blatantly sympathizing with the captain on account of it made him crankier, and maybe try to work out what the hell Jayne was up to. His apparently continuing willingness to spend time babying their resident crazy child was starting to give Zoe the willies. He had to be up to something, no matter what Wash said.

"Hey, Zoe." Jayne's voice had that special I've-just-arrived-at-the-end-of-a-thought-and-now-I-need-to-share-it tone that always got on Zoe's nerves. They hadn't hired Jayne as a thinker, and she wished he'd stop trying. "It strike you as that went awful easy?"

"It went smooth enough. I wouldn't say easy, exactly."

"Yeah, but when do our jobs ever go smooth? You think it's some kinda setup, like that time with... whatever her name was? Saffron?"

"It just went smooth, is all." Mal didn't sound inclined to discuss it further.

"But River said somethin' big was gonna happen today." Jayne sounded puzzled. "I figured she was warning me as something might go wrong with the job, but it didn't. Maybe something fell off the ship again while we was gone."

"When did she say that?" Mal looked around now, frowning.

"This mornin'." Jayne's voice shaded into reproach. "She was hidin' up in the cockpit with Wash. She said you were all spiky and you stole her breakfast."

"I ate food that was left lying on the table. Didn't steal nothing wasn't already abandoned." Mal sounded sulky. "And she was getting in the way. Why didn't she tell me about this big thing?"

"Could be because you snapped at her, sir."

"I didn't snap at her." Mal folded his arms, scowling. "And why didn't you tell me, Jayne?"

"If you ain't smart enough to ask the Reader what's like to happen, ain't my job to think of it for you." Jayne sounded smug. "Anyway, she said not to."

"Oh, she did, did she?" Mal's scowl deepened.

"Well, what she actually said was... uh..." Jayne's frown was almost audible as he struggled to remember. "'The captain deserves no warning, for he is in debt for a dumpling and a stubbed toe is no worthy... somethin'. Let him be surprised, and his plans set all... uh... oh, yeah, all askew, until he apologizes and returns what he stole.' But that's River-talk for 'ain't telling him nothing 'til he replaces that dumpling'."

"That little... gorrammit, Jayne, you tell me these things! That _xiao zang gui_, what the hell does she think she's playing at? If she knows something, she should tell me!"

"Sir, with all due respect, you're barely fit company for those of us who can't hear what you're thinking lately." Zoe kept her voice level, but it was more of an effort than usual, and she let enough intensity slide through that he'd know he was working on her very last nerve. "I don't blame River for hiding from you, and if you want her to tell you things I suggest you calm the hell down before trying to talk to her."

Mal grumped wordlessly, but years of close alliance had earned her the right to pull him up when he needed pulling, and he knew she was right. He was in no fit state to deal with a flighty child who was buffeted by his every burst of temper. Zoe wasn't best pleased that River hadn't told _her_, being as she'd been perfectly calm, but maybe she'd thought just telling Jayne would be enough. Wasn't as if the child was sane enough to be expected to have good judgement or anything.

Jayne, by some miracle, was wise enough to keep silent. The rest of the run back to Serenity was quiet, through the small but thriving town and to the tiny miniature spaceport where three regular passenger runs stopped over, as well as the odd transport or mercenary vessels. Zoe enjoyed the smooth handling of the new mule, thinking affectionately of her husband and his pride in her mediocre skill. She could about keep Serenity flying straight, and did little better with the mule, but just sharing his flying ways made her man happy.

Shepherd and Wash were in the hold to meet them, and Zoe saw a guilty look in Mal's eyes when River, who had been sitting on a crate chattering, promptly rolled off and hid behind it as soon as she saw him. Good. Zoe didn't mind him taking his temper out on her occasional, since she knew he didn't mean nothing by it, or on Jayne, because that was what Jayne was there for, but River was just a child.

"Hey, gorgeous." Wash kissed her hello, and Zoe's toes curled up inside her boots. Her man was the finest kisser this side of the Companion Academy. "Hey, you brought us food! I love it when they pay us in food... hey, is that bok choy? Dibs on the bok choy!"

"There's plenty for everyone." Zoe grinned at his unguarded enthusiasm. "You and your green vegetables."

"I like green vegetables. My mother would have a heart attack to hear me say it, but I do." Wash looked around. "River? Tiny crazy person? Want to help carry the food up to the galley, maybe do a little quality testing?"

"The captain says the little dirty ghost is in the way." River's petulant voice issued from behind the crate.

Wash blinked. "He does? When did he say that?"

"On the way home."

"Well, the captain should know better than to say things like that just because he's miles away and you can't technically hear them." Wash gave Mal a reproachful look. "Or to call you names."

"Jayne calls her a _xiao gui_ all the time!" Mal said defensively.

"That's different." Jayne hauled himself out of the mule. "I'm equally an' democratically rude to everybody."

Zoe had to admit he had a point there. Jayne could say things that Mal couldn't without giving offense... calling River a little demon or Inara a whore to name but two examples. Jayne was coarse and uneducated and there wasn't much to be done about it now even if he'd wanted to. Allowances were made. (Although 'democratically' suggested that River had been teaching him new words again)

She didn't admit the point aloud, of course. That would just encourage him.

"Simon! Kaylee!" Wash decided to deal with the situation by changing the subject, an idea Zoe approved of. "Come and help us get all the delicious real food to safety before someone loses control and begins snacking indiscriminately!"

Simon appeared from the direction of the infirmary, and Kaylee was coming down from the galley. "Wow, lookit all that green! Is that bok choy?"

"Yes, and Zoe says I have to share it. Quick, take it from me before my resolve weakens." Wash grinned, filling his arms with long loaves of fresh bread. "Mmm, smell that... I think the bread and I need to be alone..."

"You're going to make Zoe jealous if you keep that up." Kaylee giggled, reaching for the bundles of leafy green.

"Excuse me?" The voice was sweet and flawlessly modulated.

Everyone turned to the open cargo-door. River peeked up over her crate.

A slender woman stood there, wearing the discreet grey robes of a Mediator. Her lovely face was clear of cosmetics, her dark curling hair tied in a simple braid that hung over one shoulder. She was smiling, but it was a slightly shaky smile.

Mal stood there staring at her as if she were one of the angels he claimed to no longer believe in, come to escort him to a Heaven he was sure didn't exist.

She walked towards him, everyone frozen on the spot as they waited to see what would happen. "Captain Reynolds, I believe." Her smile widened and firmed up a little. "My name is Inara Serra, licensed Mediator and Counsellor. I understand that you have a shuttle available for rent."

Mal tried to respond in casual kind, but there was a disbelieving smile tugging at the corners of his mouth that he just couldn't shake. "Could be as I do. You interested?"

"I'd have to see it first, of course, but I'm hopeful that it will be what I'm looking for."

"But..." Kaylee shook her head slowly, as if not quite daring to believe it. "But you were a Companion..."

"Yes, I was. I retired not long ago." Inara looked around the gathered crew, smiling slowly. "It was a difficult step, but after thinking it over I decided that I needed to spend more time with my family."

Mal was still staring at her as if she'd fallen from Heaven when Simon stepped forward, grinning that lopsided little grin of his, and kissed Inara gently on the cheek. "It's good to see you, _biao mei_," he said gravely.

"It's good to see you too, _biao xiong_." Inara hugged him, returning the kiss affectionately. Then she turned, opening her arms to Kaylee. "And don't I get a kiss from you as well, _mei mei_?"

"Yes!" Kaylee ran over to hug her, crying happy tears. "Oh, 'Nara, we all missed you so bad!"

"I missed you too." Inara stroked Kaylee's hair, her lovely eyes full. Then she looked up at Mal, who just looked plain pole-axed after the kissing, and grinned a positively wicked grin. "Although I'm not sure about this man who you want me to take ship with. He looks disreputable."

"Oh, he is. Awfully." Simon glanced at Mal and smirked. "But he's not bad overall... looks out for his crew, for the most part. Keeps us all fed." He assumed a grave expression. "I should warn you, though, he's strongly opposed to any form of fraternization within the crew. I understand he was most annoyed when his second in command married his pilot."

"No shipboard romances, hm?" Inara was blushing a little, but she was still grinning. "Well, I'll keep that in mind."

"You do that." Simon had to have known about this. He was looking much too smug not to. "Why don't you have him show you the shuttle and fill you in on his other rules? You may decide you'd prefer to take ship with someone else."

"Well, perhaps... but all my people are here." Inara smiled, her arm still around Kaylee. "And someone has to keep you from force-feeding yourself your own feet."

Simon winced. "I do have a special gift in that area."

"Boy, do you ever." Kaylee grinned, ducking out of Inara's arm. "But go see the shuttle! It's all nice and tidy, 'cept for this trunk the Companion who used to rent it left in there."

"Really? I'm sure she didn't mean to leave anything behind." Inara met Mal's eyes, and Zoe could see Mal's chest inflate as if someone had pulled a string. "Still... maybe there's something useful in there."

"Maybe. Ah... would you care to see the shuttle? Make up your mind on an informed basis?" Mal's smile was back. "Maybe you could stay for dinner, too... we happen to have some fresh food on hand."

"That sounds delightful. I've been traveling for some time, and I'd enjoy a quiet meal."

Zoe was grinning as she watched them ascend the stairs, still maintaining the fiction but doing it less and less convincingly. When the shuttle door closed behind them, Zoe voiced her suspicions. "Doctor, did you happen to know something about this?"

Simon blushed, looking very sheepish. "Maybe a little..."

Kaylee punched his shoulder. "And you let me break my heart over her goin'!"

"She made me promise!" Simon rubbed his shoulder, wincing. "She wasn't sure, when she left, that she'd be coming back. She waved a few days ago - "

"Wash..."

"She swore me to silence too. And she just had a quick word with Simon. I thought it must be about the trunk."

"She asked me where we'd be, and I told her." Simon shrugged. "She wanted it to be a surprise."

"And it's just the best surprise ever." Kaylee wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her coverall. "Shepherd, come on, we gotta make the best dinner ever to celebrate."

"I quite agree." Book smiled, loading himself up with fresh vegetables. "We will begin immediately."

Jayne strolled with what he probably thought was a casual air over to the crate River was sitting on top of again. "Was this what you meant about the big surprise that would skew up all the captain's plans?"

"Yes." River put her little nose in the air. "But he stole my breakfast, so I didn't tell him anything good was going to happen."

"Hah. Yeah."

Zoe didn't think anyone else saw River extend her arms to the big merc, or saw Jayne catch her under the arms and lift her down off the crate as easily as a child. "How come you can always get up on things on your own, but you need someone else to get you down?"

"The cat in the tree cries for rescue not because she cannot climb down, but because she fears that she will fall." River smiled up at him. "Did you bring carrots?"

Jayne fished one out of his pocket and handed it to her.

Zoe was all manner of disturbed by this. Still, Mal insisted, so she'd keep it to herself for now.

* * *

"So, this is... uh... the shuttle." Mal was grateful for the fiction of a first meeting. It was the only thing keeping him from embarrassing himself horribly. "Looks a little disreputable, I'll grant you, but it's reliable where it counts."

"So I understand." Inara smiled at him, then frowned, looking around. "Why does it smell like something died in here?"

"Well, maybe 'cause something did. Uh. It was shut up for a couple weeks, and a rat couldn't get out, and... you could sleep in the guest-quarters while it airs out. No extra charge."

"I think I'll have to." Inara wrinkled her pretty nose. "Still, it seems sturdy enough. And having a licensed Mediator on board would certainly add some respectability to this... operation."

"That it would." He couldn't maintain the fiction any more. "Inara, why..." He stuck there. There were so many whys that he couldn't pick one to force past the others.

"I told you. Because I decided that my place was with my family." She looked away. "Mal, I didn't do this because of you, I want you to know that."

He blinked, his heart sinking. "Well, no, I didn't think as you did..." He had hoped. Oh, he had hoped. But he hadn't dared to believe it.

"Simon and I talked it over..."

"_Simon_?"

"Yes, Simon. Who understands better than most how difficult it is to set your life's work aside." Inara ran a gentle hand over the back of the pilot's seat. "He told me that I should consider not what I should do, but what I could live with sacrificing. He gave up his career because he couldn't live without his sister. I gave up mine because I couldn't remain on Serenity as a Companion, but the thought of harm coming to any of my family when I wasn't here and couldn't help them was too painful to bear. If Kaylee were shot again, you or Wash captured and tortured again, River taken away again... I'd never forgive myself."

Mal nodded slowly, some of the tension caused by Simon's name easing. "They're your crew."

"No, they're my family. Although you've always used the words interchangeably." Inara smiled at him. "I'll be renting the shuttle, as before. I'll act as an ambassador of sorts, although I don't anticipate _quite_ as enthusiastic a reception as I had as a Companion. I'll be able to work on a wider variety of worlds, now, although I won't be able to pay quite as high a rent."

"Forget the rent."

"No." Inara shook her head. "Mal... I have given up everything to try to make a new life for myself. Before... anything else... I need to know that I can succeed at that life without help from you or anyone else. I need to know if I can still be independent."

"Can't argue with that." Mal looked away, his throat tightening a little at this new, vulnerable side to Inara that she'd never let him see before. "Of course, could give you a little break on the rent if you're willing to service the crew. Got a little crazy person maybe could use some counseling, and there's a fair few arguments could stand mediation at times."

"I'll consider it." When he looked back, her smile was warm and sincere. "Mal... let's just see how this works."

"Sounds good." He smiled back, not sure if it was entirely steady. "I know Kaylee missed you."

"I missed her too."

"She kept going on about how empty the ship felt without you."

"I'm sure she did."

"She's been moping something awful."

"I've been a bit unsettled myself."

"Yes. Well." Mal cleared his throat. "You got any baggage you need to move in?"

"A great deal, actually." Inara grinned. "You know I prefer to furnish the place myself."

"And a fine job you do of it." Mal grinned. "Let's get it all moved into the hold for now. When the air's cleared out in here, Jayne'll carry it all up for you."

* * *

"The captain is happy." River had followed Wash up to the cockpit, enjoying his contented calm. "But confused."

"Well, can't blame him there." Wash smiled at her. "Are you glad Inara's back?"

"The ship isn't orange any more."

"And I will choose to take that as a yes. Want to play with the dinosaurs?"

"Yes." River picked up a raptor, smiling. The little squeaky voice she gave it didn't always entirely make sense, but the other dinosaurs talked back anyway. A triceratops tried to dance with it, and wound up giving it a dinosaur-back ride instead because they were different sizes.

She went to sleep in the co-pilot's chair, and later Wash carried her back to her room. She could feel how much he enjoyed it, how it made him think that maybe Zoe was right about having babies, so she pretended to stay asleep. But it wasn't the same as Jayne, her stone-man with his warm purples inside, and she couldn't go to sleep again when Wash carried her.

Instead, she thought about Jayne, and wondered why she liked him so much. She hadn't before. But then he'd put a knife in her hands and set her on her feet, and she'd realized that his distance was his armour and that he wanted to arm her. (Puns are the lowest form of humour and yet they have persisted longer than almost any other - a conundrum.) Jayne was stone and purple and hardened leather over a beating heart. Jayne took broken pieces and made them into shining wholes that danced a deadly dance. He was funny, especially when he wasn't trying to be.

He liked her. He thought she was a brat, and annoying sometimes, but he'd let her sidle in under his shell and put a leathery claw around her - not a stone after all, but a tortoise, all slow-deep thoughts and hardness with little warm curls deep inside the shell.

After Wash had tucked her into bed, smoothing her hair with a gentle hand, River reached out to touch Jayne's mind (beyond dreams now and into the deepest part of his sleep-cycle), and let it lull her back to sleep.

* * *

xiao gui - little demon (affectionate term for a naughty child)

hai chong - injurious insect, pest

biao mei - female cousin

biao xiong - male cousin

mei mei - younger sister

yu chun - stupid

zi you - freedom, liberty

go se - crap, lit dog excrement

you zhi - childish

cu cao - crude, coarse

xiao zang gui - dirty little ghost (another term for a naughty child who has gotten very dirty)


End file.
